I still think about you every day but it is always this time of year I think of you most. You are the reason I love music so much. You are the reason I value family as much as I do. And you are the reason I have never been a fan of Valentine's Day.
Before you all start to think this is about some boy that broke my heart let me stop you right there. This is not that story.
I love music because it makes me still feel close to you. I value family because you showed me how much family means. And I do not like Valentine's Day because it is my last memory I have of you. February 14th, 2007 was the last time I saw you, spoke to you, hugged you, my Papaw.
I was only eight years old and I had no idea what losing someone meant.
I can recall the day of your accident, even if I don't remember how the accident happened. I recall weird, small thing. Sitting in my elementary school office watching my mother grow frantic trying to get a hold of my dad. Staying in a hospital, sleeping on a pull-out couch. The goodie basket the nurses gave us. hearing the lullaby every time a baby was born. I was so blind to what was happening, I did not understand what death was. I made you a get well soon card. A card you would be buried with.
As a little girl, you were my best friend. We would have sleepovers at your house. Always eating Papa John's pizza and Cherry Garcia ice cream. My sister and I had our own bedroom there; it was like a second home. There was a small tree in the backyard, under it a little playhouse. You loved country music and always had it playing in that red truck of yours.
I can not eat Papa John's pizza without thinking of you. It is also the only place I will ever order from. We moved those bunk beds from your house to my bedroom after you passed, we slept in them for many more years. I pass your old house driving into town and that once little tree now towers over the house. I know every word to Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue by Toby Keith because of you.
I used to let the grief of losing you consume me. I was angry and upset. Why did this have to happen to you? To me? You did not get to see me grow up. To go to my softball games, see me cheer or play golf. You missed so much.
I would constantly ask myself what you would think if you were here. Would you be proud? What would you think of my life? Would you like the person I grew up to be?
Sometime in the last few years, those consuming thoughts changed. Instead of wondering if I made you proud I would use making you proud to motivate me. I constantly remind myself that you are always with me. You were there for my softball games, when I got my license, my golf matches, my high school graduation and every day in between.
In some weird way maybe things to work out in the way they should. Now I understand that I had to lose you in order for you to be with me every day. Of course, some days it is harder to understand than others and I would give anything to just see you one last time.
I smile thinking I forever have you as my guardian angel. Everyone knows I need lots of guidance and it is good to know that I always have you on my side.
It is crazy to me that with the short time we had together, and me being so young, you made such an impact on my life. That is something I will forever be grateful for. You are the reason I am who I am.
Love you forever Papaw.