In the roughest times In my life, the writing was just a coping skill. I used journaling and poems to get my feelings out and to understand what was truly going on inside. For the longest time, I wouldn’t share my poems because I felt like they were too dark and people would judge me.

When I finally built up the nerve to share one of my poems with a close friend, I was absolutely terrified that I had let too much of myself show. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I definitely didn’t expect the reaction I got.

She said to me, “Anna, your dark side is a very real part of you, and it’s beautiful.” That was the first time I had ever felt truly understood and accepted. I let someone see the part of me that I hid from the world, and often from myself. In those times when I’m struggling to deal with life, the advice I often received was “think positively” and “focus on the good.”

While this advice was always appreciated, it didn’t really help. It made me feel that I was doing something wrong in exposing my true self. It made me feel like my true-self wasn't good enough. Anyone who has struggled with depression knows that putting on the face that everything is okay is exhausting.

It’s hard to get up every day and pretend you’re fine. My writing was my way of getting out everything that I spent my life trying to hide. It was very personal and it made me feel safe and understood, but it also made me feel immense shame because I felt the need to constantly ask myself “what’s wrong with me?” and “why won’t this just go away?”

Once I finally started letting it out, I slowly began to heal. I decided to take off my mask, let people in and stop numbing the pain. I started to believe my friend when she told me that this very real part of me was beautiful. I started to find that beauty inside of myself.

So here it goes, here’s one of the poems that changed my life. Yes, it’s dark, it’s sad, it's scary to share, but it’s a part of me I will no longer hide.

Running From the Dark

I feel so empty.
I don't understand why.

The numbness consumes me,
I can't even cry.

I feel so much,
yet nothing at all.

Why can't I control it?
My soul feels small.

It so far away,
I can't get it back.

I try so hard,

but I’m living in the black.

"There's beauty in pain,"
I hear all the time.

But the numbness isn't the same.
The demons are feeding me lies.

I can fight for a while,
and it feels like I'll win,

But then I start sinking in the darkness,
and I don't know how to swim.

I drown in the waves
of death and despair

And thirst on the thought
that true life is no longer there.

I'm too far gone,
I've lost the race.

The reality is clear,
but hidden behind my deceiving face.

You can't see it.
You'll never understand.

The scars hidden inside
are much greater than the ones created with my own hand.

The razors went deep,
but the truth is much deeper.

The girl who's seen death,
no one can keep her.

The fear she had
is now long gone.
The devil's got his grip,
she's the chosen one.

Nothing can save her
no matter what you do.
So please run away,
don't let him get you too.