I remember going back to school after my grandmother died. My parents didn’t want me to miss any class, and so the day after it happened, I was sitting among the rows of other pre-calc students as we attempted to grapple with the proofs being thrown at us. I don’t remember getting up, but I remember being outside, crying so hard that my knees made contact with the linoleum floor, and then someone, one of my best friends, throwing their arms around me as I continued to sob.

I felt so safe; so able to let it all out. We can’t pretend bad shit doesn’t happen. We need to release it, expel the negative energies so that we can continue. In some situations, it never leaves us, or will take a sickening amount of time to dissipate, but it helps to emote and be with those who love you.

My friends were with me, and it gave me the strength to swing back into school; less lively, but quite present.

It's been the same for other things across the map: break ups, deaths, parents fighting, bad grades, poor choices that lead to regret, injuries, losses of motivation, depression, anxiety attacks, and so on. You people, who put up with me, taking the emotional toll willingly and without being asked or prodded, you are incredible.

You are wonderful, kind, loving individuals, and I’m so grateful to have you. I couldn’t be more blessed when it comes to friends, even if my esteem makes me forget that at times. One of the things that I do value in myself is empathy, so I know how hard it can be to stay strong for friends when they’re hurting, and to take on the emotional toll of being around that negative energy.

That being said, for those who’ve been there for me, and those who are there for others, I have some words for you:

So my next big thing happened, and it’s sucked. I probably cried too much, yelled too much, was a different person for too long of a time. I've been emotionally dumping on you consistently, over the phone, over text, in person. Maybe I've pushed you away, or attempted to ignore these feelings to the point that I'm just wrong in that not-myself kind of way.

I’m sorry you saw me that way. I'm sorry I did that to you.

But thank you. Thank you so much.

You’ve been there for me. You’re a magnificent person, and I’m so sorry there are those moments I doubt how wonderful I have it—because I have you.

We have those people, who no matter where they are if they see that a shitty thing happened, they will find a way to contact you. Perhaps it’s a phone call, a reassuring “I love you,” even a “u ok?” text. You make a difference. Maybe my heart and mind aren’t fully there in the moment to appreciate the amount of love and care that can be expressed in as little as three letters or an emoji, but afterwards, even if it’s long afterwards, I feel it fiercely.

Thank you for altering your plans when I went through that breakup. You didn’t have to do it, but you did anyway. Thank you for dropping everything and bringing movies and hugs and chocolate and helping to get my mind off it. Thank you for listening to me say the same things over and over again, and still continuing to carry on the conversation so it doesn't stop.

Thank you for finding me, after that relative died, to give me a hug, and make sure I didn't have to take the subway back home alone. Thank you for the hot chocolate, and spending time with me away from everyone else because I didn't want people to see me like that. Thank you for that wonderful day out on the town as I released my bad feelings into great ones, producing hilarious memories rather than spending a day wallowing in self-pity.

Thank you for knowing me best, for knowing the right kind of tea to bring along with you, and just the right kind of stupid movie that I could sit through, and would make me laugh despite my mind telling me the only right thing to do is be sad and angry in that moment.

Thank you for being one of the best people I know, and for just consistently being there.

To be empathetic and loving are some of the best qualities a person can have, as one my favorite professors told me recently, and I completely agree. It's redundant, but you are, you all are, amazing people. Even when you have your own hard stuff going on you make time for me, and I love you. To love you and to have found you, I think, is one of my greatest accomplishments, because, without you, life would be different. A little less happy, a little more off-beat, a little less fun, a little less full of substance.

You are one of the best parts of my life, and I'm so glad we have each other.

Thank you.