My entire adult life, I've been slapped with labels: anorexia, "the girl with the eating disorder", "crazy", "psycho", depression, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD, OCD, OCPD, "the girl with the brain damage", "the perfectionist", "the girl in recovery", "the one who self harms", "the suicidal friend", "dramatic", "mentally ill". For a long time, I have let those labels define me, and along the way, they destroyed me.

My identity as the girl in recovery has been the one I held most dear. September 2nd, 2014 I checked into UNC Chapel Hill's Partial Hospitalization Program for their Center of Excellence for Eating Disorders--it was on that day that I took my first baby step to recovery. I could tell you about how well I've done--how far I've come--the ugly traumas that I've left behind and the many battles I've fought to reclaim my life--but I won't (in this article). In this article, I want to tell you that that is behind me--that I am here, now, standing before you as a whole human rather than a broken mess.

You would think that my life would be perfect, that's what so many people think recovery is, right? Peace on Earth and perfection and sugar and daisies and rainbows and freedom from the pain! Unfortunately, that's not what recovery is.... Recovery is learning to take it day by day and enjoy the little things, so that the pain does not overwhelm you.

My purpose for writing this article is, honestly, to apologize. Here I am, I've fought the battles, I've won the war, I'm ready to FINALLY live my life. But yet, the people in my life are not with me anymore--they're still back in the midst of the chaos mentally battling the demons I have left behind.

Though they always swore to never identify me by my illness', they do..

Every time I am sad they think: "No, not this again--next will come the days in bed and the self harm, and the suicidal talk, and it's all downhill from there"

When I am nervous they think: "Oh no, here goes the anxiety, it's only a matter of days before she picks herself to scabs and starts becoming a nut job again"

When I am not hungry/feeling well they say: "It must be her eating disorder, I can't let it trick me again, we've got to stop this before it gets bad again, she can't go back"

When I am upset or hurt: "Oh great, she's being paranoid and erratic and crazy-- here come the ridiculous melt downs and the anger and the pointed words and the punching of cars"

Reading this, you may think "have some faith, she's better", but if you have ever loved an addict, or a mentally ill individual, you know how it is. You know that when they are sick, they become someone else--no, something else. They are taken over by their all consuming and self destructive urges. They don't care what it takes, they will manipulate you in whatever ways necessary to satisfy their urge and get away with it.

So no, I can not, and will not blame those that have given up on me. Day by day I used and abused their faith in me--I destroyed them again and again and again. I ruled my life with paranoia and manipulation, acting however I wanted, whenever I wanted just because I felt like it. I am SO ashamed of the person I let myself be, but I am SO proud of the person I have become.

You don't know this person, but I do. I finally know who I am. But no one else does-- save for my treatment team.

So I don't blame you for leaving me, I would've left me too, but I'm here now, and I'm sorry, and I am finally worthy of the friendship you offered when I was to sick to accept.

I'm ready to talk, you just have to listen--not to my illness, the paranoia, the meltdowns, the abuse--but to me. I've been gone so long, some of you have never even met me, but I'm back, and I'm finally free. I can't promise to be perfect, and I can't promise to never hurt you again, but I can promise to give you the best of myself each and every day that you let me. Throwing your friendship away was the dumbest and the worst thing I ever did with my life--it was done out of cowardice and jealousy and fear--and I can't take it back, or believe me, I would, but I can try like hell to fix it.

Loving an addict can destroy you, and I was addicted to so many things, chief among them my ego, but I have found the key. I have found the desire to change myself for the better. If you let me, I'll make it up to you, and if you don't, life will go on. I'll miss you, more than I've ever missed anything or anyone, but I know we'll be okay, and that's all that matters....

Love,

The Whole Version of the Broken One You Loved