Day 1

I don't know what games you're trying to play, but unless it's fetch, I don't want any part of it. Listen to me, and listen to me well, stay away...or else. Mom says I have a pretty vicious growl. At least that's what I think she says as she is pointing her finger at me.

"Growl. Good Boy. Nice Job. Protect us. Kill. Sweeper."

I haven't figured out her language perfectly, but all I know is she counts on me to protect her from monsters like you. I've done a number to the mailman. He didn't take my warning, so hopefully you will. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Day 2

You hide in that closet down the hall, and for whatever reason only show your face when you're glued to my family's hip. Leave them out of this! It doesn't concern them. This is between you and me. Sweeper to Dog.

I dislike you all the time, but I'll only ever tell you when I hear the noises coming from you. I take it as you're trying to out-bark me, and I will show you up... every damn time.

If it wasn't for my owner holding you back, I would unleash the furry, I swear to Paw.

You're destroying families here. Can't you tell? Kids are miserable when they're next to you. I've never seen Dad near you once, and mom? She just looks mad and mumbles words under her breath that I assume are about all about her strong hatred for you too.

The more you're in my family's life the less time they have to spend with me. I AM THEIR WORLD. Can't I let my damn self out? I drink everything, you don't think I have to piss every 10 minutes? Because I freaking do.

My ball? Do you want me to get into this right now? It makes me absolutely furious. I see you kicking it to the side, pretending like it isn't the glue that holds this whole family together. You push it under the couch when you KNOW I can't fit under there. When I try to scratch at it to get it mom YELLS at me. You're creating tension between the family I'm trying to protect and myself. Something must be done.

Day 3

Like what is your job even? You make unnecessary noises, get tangled in things with your cord of lies, and run over innocent paws. How do you sleep at night?

The word on the street is everyone has one of you. We have a name for you in the dog parks... you're the life ruiner. YOU RUIN PEOPLE'S LIVES. (I speak Janice from "Mean Girls" quite fluently).

Day 4

I've come up with a list of things I could potentially do to end your existence.

1. Bark until you feel threatened and explode.

I feel like this is one of my best ideas, and I'm determined to try it every time mom has you out.

2. Get really close to you and growl, then run away when you come near me.

I have regular emotions like any other dog..just because I get fearful doesn't mean this tactic won't pay off somehow. It's reverse psychology. Just wait for it, you'll see.

3. Kind of nibble at the bottom of you to give you a little taste of what my bad ass teeth can do and show you that you don't want the real deal! You can't handle it!

I think my list has some good options, but I need to run it by Buddy across the street. He's the meanest dog on the block, so he'll teach me a thing or two.

Day 5 I saw a squirrel but the squirrel didn't see me. In order for me to really want it, we must lock eyes and then –– Just realized this was not my squirrel diary. Nevertheless, I'm coming for you, sweeper.