When someone begins to treat you like an object, you start to see yourself as nothing more. It goes from being confident that whatever you're facing you can handle head on, to being afraid to handle anything at all for fear of the consequences it may possess. I don't think anyone understands the physical damage done to a person's brain when their value is treated as if it doesn't surpass something not even breathing. When you're belittled to the point of questioning what good qualities you actually have, a little switch in your mind rings through you, saying: you have none.
Other people may not see it at first, and that's to be expected. For the person who is actually being treated like an object, well their whole life just got turned down a one way road that makes it almost impossible to find your way back.
So here I was, pushed down this road with little to no road signs on how to get back to where I once was.
The only thing leading me away was a little voice that I started to let guide my entire way of life. One, horrible person, who ended up continuously directing me farther and farther away from where I had once started.
Eventually I became so far away from who I once was, that the hopes of even getting back to her were far from my mind..far from his.
I heard people around me telling me what was happening.
"He's controlling you."
"How are you going to let him tell you what to do?"
"It isn't his life to say what happens to it."
"You can wear what you want."
"Are you not allowed to have any friends?
You see, I heard them, but I heard him even more. Whatever voices came to me, were nothing but a whisper compared to his.
As much as I hated to admit it, he was the rider holding the reins to the rest of my life.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't buck him off. I was stuck in this toxic, exhausting relationship. I wasn't in control of my own life because I gave someone else the power to it. I had never been so disappointed and utterly lost in my entire life.
I was so out of love with myself that I couldn't imagine leaving a man who-at the time-I thought loved me. He had nailed into my head the idea that everyone else hated me as much as I hated myself, and the thought of being completely isolated from the entire world, including him, seemed almost unbearable. Yeah, I was weak enough to stay, and not only because I needed someone else to keep my life on track when I had forgot how to have a say, but because at the time, I genuinely thought that was what was best for me. I thought someone who made my life hell, would be better in charge than someone like me.
That. Is. How. Lost. I. Was.
Or so I thought.
It took reaching my darkest place, on my darkest day, did I realize that you are only as lost as you make yourself. Not only that, but you are only as lost as you allowed him to make you. The whole time I was so fixated on the fact that I was too destroyed to take the reins to my own life, that I gave someone who was completely fine with mentally and physically breaking me down, complete control.
But that's the thing.
I let him have control; for so many messed up reasons, a lot of them being because of him. I let him take my hand, lead me down a road that said: Do not enter, and I watched as he walked away.
This was on me.
You naive boy, you never had control over me.
Having control would have meant that at no point could I take the reins back, but look at me, I did.
I am stronger than I ever was before you turned my life into a disaster. I found my own way out, without your help, and now I can simply say, I did it alone.
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever fully be okay. I think there are times I'll question whether or not I should be making a decision for myself like this. Then after a while of reading back on old entries that prove how utterly broken I was, I'll make that girl proud by deciding anyway.
You never owned me.
You never controlled me.
You surely never had a say on the person I'd end up to be.
Because if it actually was up to you, I can't imagine the pathetic excuse of a human you would've tried to mold me into.
I can only pray you don't sink your claws into someone even more vulnerable than I was.
To anyone who has someone that's led them down a dark path without a clue or hand on how to get it...
Don't stop trying to get out, you'll thank yourself one day very soon.