When you're 19-years-old, you're normally thinking about how in the world you've made it through your first semester of college. At this point, you probably joined a large organization on your campus and have become extremely involved. That was exactly what I had done: I had joined the Missouri State Pride Band and had become a member of the National Avenue winterguard all in one year.
However, I also had to learn how to deal with something at 19 that many people don't often stop to think about: grief.
I'll never forget the night it happened. I was sitting on the couch, watching the second Thor movie with my mom. I received a Facebook message from my best friend asking me one question.
"Do you know what happened to Jenny? Go look at Kate's Facebook status."
In a state of confusion, I went to Kate's Facebook to see the words I never wanted to see.
"Cannot believe we lost another member of the Falcon family. Rest in peace Jennifer Reeder."
Jenny. One of my closest friends throughout all of high school and the start of college. We were in marching band together and our friendship had continued into college. Just two weeks prior to this Facebook status, I was getting out of her car as she said, "Amanda, you have a heart of gold I never want you to lose."
I looked to my mom in a state of confusion and with tears welling up in my eyes, and she confirmed my worst fear when she went onto the Missouri Highway Patrol website: Jenny had been in a car wreck and she had passed away.
After that, I just remember a lot of crying and wandering around the house trying to make sense of everything. I didn't sleep much that night and we had no school the next day due to a snow day.
The next few weeks were some of the hardest I ever endured. I never thought at 19-years-old I would have to watch one of my childhood friends be laid to rest, I never thought I would have to hold old friends so tightly to keep ourselves from collapsing in sadness, I never thought I would have to watch my mother cry over a band kid she watched grow from the time I was 13-years-old to when I was 19. I just never truly thought it would be me.
I didn't really talk to anyone for the next couple days as I tried to process my own grief and sadness, which I still struggle with almost four years later. This struggle, however, is outweighed by the fact that I can remind myself now that I have a beautiful guardian angel.
Jenny was the one friend I had that had loved each person she met unconditionally. She had this knack for seeing the inherent good in people that many of us struggle to see each day. She always did her best to make everyone smile even on their worst of days.
I'll never forget what she did after my first boyfriend dumped me: She picked me up and spent the night with me to make sure I was okay. Her heart and her spirit are something I aspire to carry on each day. Being someone she called a close friend was a privilege and a blessing, even on the days when she wanted to go shopping while she was angry. (We can never forget the coach purse she decided to buy.)
I thank God every single day I was able to call Jenny my friend. She taught me how to let go of the dumb boys, she taught me how to be one of the kindest people I can, she taught me that the friends you have growing up never really leave your life, and she taught me that I am loved and worthy of the world.
Jen, if you're listening right now or watching over me as I write this, thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I miss you.