I never got along with my mom as a kid. There was always something between us that just rattled the world around us. Our relationship was like mountains; you never knew what was on the other side, what was going to happen the next day. One moment I was giving her one of my best hugs and the next I was slamming my bedroom door in her face. It was how our relationship worked, dysfunctional with the underlying message of love.

I cannot even remember what our arguments were about, not that they matter anymore. I was just annoyed at the game she wouldn’t let me have or the friends I couldn’t have over. As I grew older, it was the curfew times I had and the friends I couldn’t go see with the car. And for as mad as I was then, I can’t imagine what would have happened if she’d ever let me do the things I screamed so loud about. I didn’t understand at the time, but I understand now.

I know my mom, just like many others, lies awake at night worrying about me and solely me.

She worries what parties I’ve gone to, if I’ve made good friends yet, and how well my grades look. I know she sits there into the early morning of the hours, floating in and out of consciousness because I never texted back when she sent her goodnight. I know she lies awake at night just wondering if her baby girl is going to be OK.

To be honest I would say, I don’t know if I’ll be OK mom and all we can do is hope. We can hope I figure all this college stuff out. We can hope I realize I don’t need this or that in my life. I’d tell you that we can hope and that’s what counts.

But in reality, I will be OK.

I’m going to figure life out. I’ll get a job. I’ll have grandkids for you to spoil. And you’ll never have to bury your baby in the ground – as I know that’s always been a fear of yours.

Mothers raise their daughters to be the better version of the person they wanted themselves to be. They only want the best for their girl, and we are too ignorant to see that when the cool crowd says otherwise. We can’t stand the idea of you knowing what’s best for us and our life. We think we know everything because we do. You don’t know anything about what we are going through. How could you? You lived at a different time as us. But you know everything about being a teenager.

So, keep pushing mom because even when you think that you’ve lost all touch with her I’m here to tell you this: your daughters are too afraid to admit you were right. We lie awake at night crying over the feeling of regret as we cling to your text message, the only thing that’ll get us through the next day. We regret all the times we never said it back because we were just too in our own heads to admit that you were right about every single thing.

And as I grow older I know that I’ll probably have a time where I completely shut you out. I know that you only mean well, but my ego is too inflated to see that. You worry about me and what damage I’m doing to my life. But sometimes, as I told you with my older sister, you just gotta let us get hurt a few times before we figure it out, but that doesn’t mean stop pushing. Never ever stop pushing.

I can’t imagine the person I would have been without you. You’ve given me my moral ground and to stand up and fight for what I believe in, even if no one wants to hear me be right. You’ve raised me to be respectful of myself and others, and to love God above all else. You’ve given me the outlets to do whatever I want with my life, and you support me even if you don’t fully understand the entire process.

There’s so much I can’t even begin to explain I want to say to you, mom.

The only words I can give you is “thank you.” Thank you for always standing by me no matter what. Thank you for raising me to be the strong woman I am today. Thank you for just being my mom. Because through every fight and squabble and little argument we have, you’re always going to just be there for me no matter what.

I never say it enough but I love you so much. I can’t imagine the life I would have without you in it. Everything you did was to make sure I was happy and living my best life.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I know where I’ve gone. And I know I’ll be OK if you tag along.