C.S. Lewis once said:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal... The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

Here I am on a cold Saturday morning lying by myself replaying all of the times I’ve shown him love. All of the times my heart would leap for joy and my eyes turned soft when we made eye contact. It didn’t take long for me to see how much you needed love. Unfortunately, shortly after, this realization it hit me: You needed unconditional love, but you didn’t want it. You wanted someone to comfort you after a hard day. You wanted someone to chase after God with you. You wanted someone to put your insecurities to sleep. You wanted someone to remind you of your shine when you have forgotten it. But those things are not what you needed. You needed to embrace the party phase. You needed to live for you and not worry about a girlfriend. You needed to be completely isolated from any type of unconditional love. Then I showed up. I blurred the lines of what you wanted and what you needed.

He prayed with me and for me. He prayed for us. I showed him pure, wholehearted, unconditional love. He showed me raw emotions. He showed me his late-night insecurities, and I tried so hard to put them to sleep. I reminded him of his shine, especially when he had forgotten it. I showed him grace and forgiveness without judgement. I accepted him for who he was, exactly where he was at in his life. For a while, I thought he accepted all of me too. I thought he appreciated my encouraging texts reminding him he’s an incredible man, and to keep pursuing Christ. I thought he appreciated the unnecessary amounts of kindness I showed him on a daily basis. I thought he appreciated how I made him forget about his insecurities and fears. I thought he appreciated how I chased after God, and wanted to do so with him. I thought he appreciated my unconditional love. Now, I know he didn’t. He told me I loved him how I would love a husband and he wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship like that. He wasn’t ready for someone to show him a love like Christ’s.

Mother Teresa once said, “It’s not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.”

Without Jesus and love, I have nothing. I can give someone a personalized keychain of their favorite constellation, but without love, I have nothing. I do everything I can to show unconditional love in the way 1 Corinthians 13 tells me to love. In every situation, I try to be patient and kind. I try not to envy, not to boast, and not to be prideful. I try not to dishonor others, to be others-seeking, and to be slowly angered. I try to keep no record of wrongs. I try to rejoice in the truth, and not in evil. I try to protect, trust, hope, and persevere, no matter what comes my way. But this type of love is not what men in today’s society look for.

Today, men tend to look for women with the shock factor. But not the shock factor they should be looking for. Instead of looking for a woman who will accept them and unconditionally love them where they’re at in their life, they look for someone who will physically arouse them. Men look for women to lead to the bedroom, but not to the alter. Meaningless sex has replaced nights filled with romance, soft eyes, and making love. Guys get drunk celebrating another fun night of sex, while girls cry themselves to sleep for believing he was different. He’s never different. That’s where unconditional love comes in. You have to decide what you’re okay with compromising. You have to decide how vulnerable you’re going to be. You have to decide if he is worth your unconditional love.

Stephen Chbosky said it best: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Sometimes we go through traumatic experiences and convince ourselves we don’t deserve someone who shows a selfless, unconditional love. But we all deserve a love like that.

I never expected anything in return from him, or any of the other men I have dated. I just wanted to love them. They just wanted themselves.If I’ve learned anything, it’s this: These men did not appreciate my love, but someone will. Maybe not today, maybe not this year, but someone will. I will keep chasing after God, and trust He has a man for me somewhere down the road. Unlike the rest of society, I am a girl filled with unconditional love, born into a generation who doesn't even understand what love is. I will never apologize for how I love, but I will apologize for allowing myself to show men the love they didn’t want and didn’t appreciate. I deserve the same all-encompassing love I give, and I will never settle for less.