If there is one thing I could change in my life, it would be stepping on the soccer field for that game four years ago. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I wish the flu would have struck me or I was on bed rest. I wish I would not have gone in for that one goal. I wish I didn’t listen to the screaming parents on the sidelines yelling, “Go go go!” I should not have gone for it, but I did. A hyperextended knee resulted in torn ligaments, and after that game, the athlete I always had been left me.

Surgery came about a year later followed by months of alternating ice and heat, physical therapy, pain medication, restless nights, large knee contraptions that they called braces, doctor’s appointments, and crutches. Eventually, the stitches came out, the swelling went down, and now there are three scars on my right knee that remind me of that dreaded day.

I thought I could jump right back into being the athlete I was before. I strapped on my enormous black brace and went back to play, but everything was different. I could no longer kick the ball the same or run the mile without needing to give my knee a break. Everything I once did so easily became a challenge that I could not beat and then came the anxiety, or PTSD, as some may say.

I could no longer run to the goal without having thoughts of injuring my knee rush to my head. I could not be the athlete I was because my injury made me timid. People told me I just needed to get over my fear but, honestly, I did not want to go through another knee injury. No one understood. I was alone in my battle. I eventually stopped playing, a regret I carry with myself every day. And sadly, after playing the sports I loved since I was 3 years old, I never got a senior night.

Injuries are not only a physical recovery, but also a mental one. Although I was cleared to play physically, my mind was not ready. Today I am a sophomore in college and I still struggle. Whether it’s walking to class, working out at the gym, or hiking, I think about my injury often.

Related:The Coach That Brought Me Back

I am not going to thank this injury or praise the effects it had on my life, because honestly there was no “up side” to it. I miss the athlete I was. I became the girl who “had so much potential" or "was going to go places." I look at a basketball or soccer ball and still cannot bring myself to attempt to play like I used to because I am truly petrified of another injury.

To all those athletes out there struggling with the anxiety of an injury, you are not alone.