Dear "To the Bone," From A Recovering Anorexic
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Health and Wellness

Dear "To the Bone," From A Recovering Anorexic

Written from the very bones, heart, and soul of someone whose waking reality is this nightmare.

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Dear "To the Bone," From A Recovering Anorexic
Journey Roseburg

I remember exactly when I first heard about this movie.

In March 2016, it was made public knowledge that Lily Collins, who herself has described struggles with anorexia, would be starring in a movie directed by Marti Noxon, who has also been open about striving to conquer her own anorexia. And its plot would revolve around a fictional character's battle with this eating disorder.

It was, of course, an instantly controversial announcement.

Sometimes controversy is good; it raises questions and opens up discussions that might not have otherwise been had. Unfortunately, not every movie works like a Disney movie, and certainly, very few actual lives chalk up to the fairytale between "once upon a time" and "happily ever after." It'd be beyond naive to suggest that life is full of smiles, laughter, beauty, and love, without acknowledging the side in the shadows. I wish everyone nothing but the former, of course, but invariably, we all have to face darkness.

And I vividly remember when "To The Bone" was initially brought to my attention, not because of the controversy, but because in March 2016, I made the transition from a multi-week stay in the hospital to a residential treatment program, after months of heading into darkness so consuming it almost took my life.


For better or for worse, I'm purposely very open about my fight against anorexia. I was officially diagnosed in December 2015, when I entered the world of eating disorder treatment about as willingly as oil and water. At that point in my life, I'd basically come completely undone. I was so physically, mentally, and emotionally compromised, that I'd called home in hysterical tears and begged for some kind of help. I didn't know what I was asking for or what it would involve.

I just knew, with this remarkable sort of terrifying clarity, that if I didn't receive intervention, I'd die.

I bounced around various levels of care and treatment facilities for the entirety of January and February 2016, all the while declining and declining until the only place for me was the hospital. It wasn't until mid-March that I finally started to gain some positive momentum.

Wouldn't it be great if that was it? You know, like if I were a car that got stuck in the mud, but eventually managed to spin my wheels free.

Eating disorders don't work that way. Unlike purely physical ailments, like the flu or a broken bone, they don't eventually remedy themselves with simply proper care and time. Don't get me wrong, proper care and time definitely have huge parts to play in my recovery, but sometimes, even help needs help. And I truly believe To the Bone will do more harm than help, so I hope to help in my own way, with my writing. Here goes nothing!


The movie features Collins as Ellen, a 20-year-old girl in the throes of her disorder, essentially at its nonexistent mercy as it works to claim her life. And in March 2016, that same generic description could've almost been used for my story. Just tweak a couple of letters in the main character's name.

My story hasn't been encapsulated in film form, though. Nor should it, or anyone's, ever be.

That's the bottom line, as far as I'm concerned. This movie should never have been made.


Let me make one thing perfectly clear: I have nothing but respect and admiration for both Collins' and Noxon's journeys to recovery. Their transparency has doubtless allowed them to provide strength and courage to countless people. Like I said earlier, we need to talk, learn, and educate about eating disorders, despite how unpleasant, upsetting, and plain excruciating it'll most certainly always be. It takes a great deal of bravery and grace to be a shining light in the face of all that darkness. The thought that there were any malicious intentions behind this movie is absurd to me. That's not where I take issue with it. I take issue with the fact that even the purest, sincerest, and most heartfelt intentions cannot hide the malice To the Bone sadly elicits.

I won't be watching this movie. Not because I'm trying to make a statement, but because this extremely brief IMDb synopsis is all, and more than, I'll ever want to know about it.

"A young woman is dealing with anorexia. She meets an unconventional doctor who challenges her to face her condition and embrace life."

Okay. Here's an extremely brief obnoxiously long, but important, synopsis of the world of eating disorders.

According to several sources of information, including the National Eating Disorder Association website itself, Eating Disorder Hope, ANAD, ANRED, as well as countless studies:
  • It is estimated that millions of people in the U.S. are afflicted by an eating disorder.
    • In researching, this number was disputed; however, the numbers are astronomical. Some sources reported 20 million, some 30, and some in between.
    • Again, somewhat disputably, there is a 10:1 ratio of women to men in this population. Rates will differ from year to year, area to area, etc.
    • Additionally, around 40% of people report either having had/having an eating disorder or knowing someone who did/does.
  • More than 50% of the general U.S. population will engage in eating disorder behaviors, such as restriction, bingeing, purging, compulsively exercising, etc. during their lifetime.
  • Of those who have a condition that warrants diagnosis and categorization:
    • Approximately 1 in 100 have anorexia nervosa (AN)
    • Approximately 1 in 25 have bulimia nervosa (BN)
    • Approximately 1 in 75 have binge eating disorder (BED)
    • Approximately 1 in 50 have EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), also known as OSFED (Other Specified Eating or Feeding Disorder). OSFED is the term used in the DSM-5.
    • There is also an even lesser-known diagnosis called ARFID. (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) involving an extremely unhealthy resistance to many foods.
      • This is not synonymous with picky eating. It can be a lifelong condition and is much more grave and debilitating.
    • Finally, there is a condition known as “orthorexia,” which is defined as a subtype of anorexia that involves consuming very limited foods, oftentimes due to perceived health value. This is not a confirmed disorder.
  • While the statistics for the U.S. are generally most available, it is estimated that around 70 million people worldwide will suffer from an eating disorder at some point.
  • Anorexia is the eating disorder with the highest mortality rate, at 4%.
    • It is also the deadliest mental illness.
  • Bulimia has a mortality rate of 3.9%.
  • OSFEDs have a 5.2% mortality rate; however, this encompasses multiple diagnoses
  • Eating disorders are frequently comorbid (present along with another mental illness) with illnesses such as depression, anxiety, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), BPD (borderline personality disorder) and other mood instability disorders, such as bipolar.
    • There is also an extremely high genetic correlation.
  • While adolescents are the age group most commonly affected by an eating disorder, they are observed in many other age demographics.
  • Without treatment, as many as 1 in 5 individuals will die due to their eating disorder.
    • There is a far greater likelihood that someone will go without treatment. This can be due to a refusal to go/acknowledge the illness, a lack of knowledge of the existence of either the disorder, treatment, or both, socioeconomic factors, and general availability of treatment facilities.
  • Recovery is possible. It’s estimated that around 60% of people achieve full recovery, ie: no longer engaging in behaviors and maintaining a healthy weight.
    • However, that number is constantly fluctuating, and it also means that another 40% will not achieve recovery. This results in a lifelong battle, often ending a premature death.

Note that this information is greatly simplified, constantly fluctuating, and that I don't have even the slightest delusion that I know everything there is to know on the subject. (I highly encourage you to do your own research.)

Now, let me try and lay out my qualms with To the Bone in a similar(ish) way. Here's that malice I was talking about.

  • It gives only one account and one perspective.

As I mentioned, there are millions and millions of individuals afflicted by eating disorders, a large portion of which by anorexia. Here we have a single narrative that, intentionally or not, comes to represent every single story that has been, is being, or ever will be written with a fight like this at the crux of them.

  • It sensationalizes and glamorizes anorexia.

I’m honestly so disgusted when people put anorexics up on a pedestal, aspiring to be like them. Anorexia kills. And it kills at a frightening rate, as stated earlier. That’s not pretty. It’s not enviable. It’s not something which to attach any remotely positive connotation. I’m trying to stop habitually looking back at pictures of myself from the height of my illness, and I’ve made a lot of progress. But on the rare occasion where my mind gets the better of me and I dig up a photo from then, I have the most bizarrely indescribable and thoroughly horrendous feeling. It’s as if I’m seeing a complete stranger but simultaneously know every thought and emotion that girl has ever had by virtue of seeing my eyes with… my eyes.

  • Collins was directed to jeopardize her health for the sake of the movie.

I don’t want to hear any of this “but it was all safe and supervised” bullshit. A young woman with a history of a restrictive eating disorder was literally made to mimic it for a movie. And she consented to do so. I can’t express how foolish and dangerous this is. Again, these are lives being dealt with here. Real, actual lives, not little plastic pieces on a colorful board. Life isn’t a game (sorry, Hasbro.)

  • It falls into the "poster child" trap.

I’m well aware I’m a member of this club, too. Misconstrued societal perceptions would have you believe that you can only have anorexia if you’re a white, young adult female of relatively good quality of life, whose natural body type is already on the more slender side, likes going to the gym, and struggles with insecurities and other mental issues. Lily Collins’ character precisely fits this bill; that’s another reason why telling this single story was detrimental. Intentionally or not, Ellen was made the face of anorexics all over the world. And although, yes, some of society’s stereotypes are loosely based in fact, the sad truth is that literally anyone can suffer from an eating disorder. Anorexia doesn’t see faces, sizes, minds, or hearts. It just sees victims, and I truly worry that those who don’t see themselves in the character of Ellen will see themselves as just that: victims. I worry that some will think their struggles aren’t valid. I worry that some will strive to reach a sickly standard they simply cannot achieve. I worry that we further the aforementioned stereotypes by reinforcing them like this.

Am I saying that those who fall into that ridiculously specific demographic are somehow lesser? Of course not. My entire point is that though anorexia can have infinite outward appearances, it’s the same evil every single time. We need to acknowledge everyone.

  • Behaviors are shown in very graphic detail.

Again, I haven’t watched the movie, nor do I have an iota of desire to do so. I’m well aware that hinders some of the validity of what I’m saying, but at the same time, I think it strengthens it. But those I know who have seen it have told me about some really awful things they included. There’s explicit calorie counting, overexercising, malnourishment, and countless other hallmarks of anorexia that hit way too close to home. The very thought of that destruction on a screen in front of me makes me want to cry. It endangers everyone. But it especially endangers Collins and Noxon, and any viewer who has struggled with anorexia. It invites old habits in the door and brings horrible thoughts and memories to the surface. It can also provide the disorder with new ways to manifest itself. Can we ignore these behaviors? No. Should we air them to the public like this? No.

  • It sets a precedent.

Amidst the controversy, I’ve heard a fair few positive reviews. I’m sure the acting was brilliant and the story was ultimately meant to give hope. It’s clearly a very emotionally charged, powerful creation. But now it becomes a measuring stick by which any future depictions will be judged. That’s just not right; again, I reiterate that anorexia is nothing but vile, no matter who it’s hurting, or how.

  • It invites competition and comparison.

This has already been partially addressed, but the irrefutable reality is that To the Bone will trigger both active and dormant eating disorders. They are inherently contentious mental diseases that seek warped, twisted “perfection.” This can only go one way, and I assure you, it’s straight into pitch darkness without any light to guide you.

  • Realism is sacrificed to fit the format.

No matter how blatantly and grotesquely this movie portrays anorexia, it’ll never be a genuinely honest narrative. It has to be condensed into a couple of hours, pique the attention of all demographics, leave a favorable impression, and most of all, make money. Real life doesn’t work that way. There aren’t romantic tropes thrown in for dramatic value or big-name actors making cameos for the publicity boost. Unfortunately, money takes precedence above most else in the industry.


For all these reasons and more that I would totally write about were this not already a mile long, I was fundamentally against To the Bone the second I knew about it. It's an unavoidable testament to how beyond convoluted and messed up society is. You're never good enough the way that you are. We know this, and to an extent, it's positive motivation; incentive to constantly work towards bettering oneself. We're constantly inundated with messages that suggest otherwise. There's infinite products and solutions out there that are supposedly magicians' wands in disguise, all promising to poke and prod and sometimes virtually destroy us in order to achieve this nonexistent gold standard.

This isn't the Olympics. This isn't The Game of Life. There isn't a winner. It's not a contest. Every single person will have a different opinion and vision of what "perfection" would be if it took squishy, bipedal, opposable-thumbed human form. Every single one. So from the very firing of the blank from the starting gun, you're screwed. Because where is the finish line? What is it? You can't know. Not even the most talented of magicians could produce a product that gives you that omnipotence.

Think of a commercial with a really irritating slogan; is it stuck in your head yet? Good. Besides being a jerk, I'm also trying to make a point with a mildly flippant example.

Now that whatever obnoxious cacophony you thought of is rattling around, try and forget it.

You can't. Maybe you will after a while, but not until it's driven you good and bonkers. You wish that you could permanently delete it from your brain, but even if you've forgotten it for an inordinately long period of time, inevitably, it'll come back to haunt you. And like a knee-jerk reaction, you'll respond with recognition.

Believe it or not, there actually was a reason for all of that rambling. It's not rocket science that an advertisement jingle and anorexia aren't on the same playing field. But the same principle applies. When you engage the anorexia, you partake in disordered behaviors. You'll recognize them, because they've been so ingrained into your mind from repetition. You'll feel the tiniest bit of comfort from their familiarity. Then the negativity will start to seep in. Like the commercial, you'll desperately wish to be rid of it; to stop the restricting and the numbers games and the exercising and the pain. All that pain.

It'll come back. I guarantee that years and years from now, I'll be pissing off younger generations by singing the "Luna" tagline (HAH, gotcha!), even though it'll long since have disappeared.

To put it as simply as possible, which I've somehow avoided doing until now... you're the one at the controls. Only you can figure out a way to remove something poisonous from your life, and only you can allow it to take root and fester. Only you can discover from where the dreams, happiness, adventure, and love you so deserve shine in, and only you can make the decision to live in that beautiful light.


I haven't been in treatment since January 2017. Prior to that, I spent an entire year of my life in various levels of care; I'm not ever going to get that time back. I'm not ever going to get the years I've silently suffered from my eating disorder's cruelty back, either. Sometimes I wish with every fiber of my being to have it over again.

I can't. It's that simple.

By the same token, despite my opinion of her movie, I can't make Marti Noxon turn back the clock and make To the Bone vanish. The fact of the matter is that it was made, it is being shown to the public, and it is having an effect, whether good or bad, intended or unintended.

But there are millions of stories being written every moment by countless individuals, and just because they aren't told to the entire world doesn't mean they shouldn't be heard. Rather than making misguided movies that serve to exacerbate problems rather than address and alleviate them, we ought to open our eyes, ears, and hearts to those around us. Rather than striving for nonexistent, impossible flawlessness, we ought to try and find the perfection in the imperfection of being human.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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