I won't lie. It did hurt being told that you had a new girlfriend only three weeks after we ended things. Since I found out that you moved on, I have realized that you weren't that good for me anyways. I thought you were the ideal person for me, different from the guys back home and someone I always envisioned being with. However, that was all an illusion.
For starters, I have come to realize I wasn't being my authentic self around you. Sure, I loved your bright smile and your witty, sarcastic personality. I liked when sometimes you poked fun at me for being a fan of Pittsburgh sports teams while you always showed support for your Philly teams (even though you were secretly a Steelers fan). You made me feel a sort of happiness I haven't felt when it came to liking someone romantically. It was different and I thought I wanted it.
However, I lived in constant fear of you finding someone else, someone better, so I pretended to be someone I wasn't just to keep you in my life. I said, did, and acted upon things I never felt fully comfortable with just to see you smile and/or hear you laugh.
To me, your happiness mattered more than my own, and that was my own fault. I should have voiced to you when I didn't feel okay with something rather than letting it fester inside of me for so long until I felt like I was going to explode.
I like to believe I was and still am one of your biggest supporters. I always loved seeing what you accomplished and how hardworking you are, yet the feelings were never reciprocated. I was also there to reassure you everything would work out, that you were capable of it, and telling you just how amazing everyone thought you were.
On the other hand, I tried telling you about important milestones in my life, but it always seemed to be interpreted with half-enthusiasm. There were even times I was having a bad night and trying voicing my emotions to you but sometimes you ignored me as if to "give me space." I have no idea why you ignored me honestly, but I hope it's for that reason though.
This brings me to another pet peeve when it comes to you, or just relationships in general, frankly. I am tired of giving my 100% but you only give back half. I deserve to receive just as much effort and support that I put in, and it's on you that I didn't get that. It's not unrealistic to ask for the same thing back.
After being home for a month, I finally began to realize all of this. Mainly, it was from talking to my mother face to face and fully explaining the extent of the story of us. It was weeks of her saying, "You need to tell him how you feel." Yet I couldn't get the courage to tell you enough was enough and something needed to change or I was done until two in the morning on the day I was leaving to come back to Philadelphia.
We spent that whole month of winter break talking about how excited we were to see each other again, but deep down, even when I didn't want to acknowledge it, at the moment, I was dreading seeing your face again.
However, I do have to thank you. There were definitely good times, even though I can only think of the bad moments now. I have grown just from the short four months of knowing you. I have learned to ask for what I want in a relationship and learned what type of people I am attracted to, but even this is just the beginning of my evolution into a better person.
You also taught me that I shouldn't chase after a guy who only is interested in having sex rather than an authentic relationship. We talked about always being in a relationship yet the timing never seemed like it worked for you. Yet, after three weeks of ending things, you now have a girlfriend and the timing is, "perfect for you."
At this point, all I can do is shrug. I am no longer going to be the other girl fighting for your attention when it honestly isn't worth it anymore. I am not going to be waiting around for you to fill a void. I am worth more than that, and it's sad that you probably won''t realize what you missed out on until much later in life.
Wishing you all the best,
The girl who deserves better