You will never be able to grasp how badly you screwed with my head.

I've always been emotional and sensitive. I've never regretted it, as I think it makes me more empathetic and compassionate. These are qualities that I'm proud of in myself. You, however, took advantage of my character traits. You took my innocent and optimistic outlook, and made it damaged and skeptical.

I was entranced by you, partly because you consistently told me how beautiful I was, and how much you cared about me. I also admired your outgoing personality and charm. You were nice to everyone, or so I thought. I had no questions, no doubts, and no idea that you could mess me up so badly.

Every so often, a new secret was unraveled. I was too young and naive to give up on you, though. I thought that if I forgave, you would see that I was worth changing for - that I was worth honesty and loyalty. I thought that telling you it hurt, but it was alright, was the way to get you to truly appreciate me and want to make me the happiest I could be. I didn't see how out of control everything was getting until it was too late. I didn't realize how nervous I was getting.

I was never much of a worrier before you. I went with the flow, took things as they came, and trusted everyone I met until they let me down too many times. You were the exception. You let me down often. As time passed and I let the pressure build, I began to notice everything about you. I noticed the way your voice changed when you spoke about certain people, the little clues that you were lying about where you were going, and the drop in your tone when you were about to confess something. I became more insecure every day, asked a million questions, and wanted you to put my mind at ease. You put my mind at ease, but you weren't honest. I knew something was wrong. Every day I woke up uneasy and wondering when I'd finally get the truth.

Because of that paranoia that I was pushed into, I still have these ideas plaguing me each day.I listen for little hints that aren't there. My chest tightens when my boyfriend says he's going out with friends. My stomach gets nauseous when the people I trust even talk like you. These people have never done anything to me to warrant my behavior, but if the person I trusted most in the world could be someone different behind my back, what's stopping them? If someone who told me I meant the world to them every day could make me collapse in an instant, why can't they? Do you see the mindset you taught me? Do you see the chaos that ensues every time I try to put faith into someone? They deserve my trust, unlike you, but you've made my imagination only portray the worst possible outcome.

You're like a ghost that's haunting every relationship I have in my life. I shouldn't get sick over the simplest little things people do. I wasn't born this way. I wasn't raised this way. I was trained to be like this, as if I were a dog learning tricks for a bone. You stole away the joy in my heart, and the belief in a true and loyal love. I'm no longer the ever-forgiving person I used to be. Now I expect the worst. I used to only believe in the best people had to offer. I miss that. It will take me years to repair even part of the damage.

You were young, too, though. You didn't have any idea what you were doing (I hope), so I'm trying my best to forgive you in my heart. It has gotten much colder though. There's a lot more ice to break through these days. There's a lot of me that requires fixing, patience, and understanding from my friends and family. It's a kind of fixing that I'm not sure anyone really knows how to perform. I'm trying to tinker at the problems slowly, by myself, and it's taking ages. It is exhausting.

Some people around me are running out of patience, and I can feel things starting to crumble. The difference is, this time, they didn't do anything to deserve my skepticism and distrust. They haven't lied or been anything but loyal. They wouldn't want to see me shatter. I'm seeing demons that aren't there. You have made me mistake trust for control, and that's the hardest habit I've ever had to try breaking. I'm struggling to do it. In fact, I don't think it's possible for me to do it alone, but no one else has a guess at how to help.

The truth is, it will most likely take months or even years to fight these instincts out of me. The only thing giving me hope is that despite how worthless I have considered myself in the past, I know I'm worth a happy and healthy relationship. Once I break these ties forever, I will be a giving, self-less, and compassionate partner. You will not have the last say, and you will not affect my life any longer. Until that day, though, I will continue to take things one step at a time, and hope those around me can do the same. The fear you put in me will not win.I won't let it.

So, to the ghost of the guy who made me lose my ability to trust - the one who makes me feel threatened, nervous, and afraid:

You have no idea who you're messing with. Bring it on.