It's a never-ending cycle, isn't it? One minute you're mad at him, calling him all kinds of names and swearing you want him out of your life "for good." The next you're hanging out with him, too embarrassed to tell us so we find out through Snapchats and your shady behavior.
He has changed you. He has made you so fragile... so sensitive. Everything always comes back to him. Every new guy gets compared to him and they can never seem to "measure up". How sad is it that you have come to think that these guys are not as good as the boy who tore you apart and didn't stick around to put you back together again. He disappeared when things got tough but reappeared when it benefited him.
That boy is smart, if nothing else. He treats you terribly, makes you cry, but then knows exactly what to say to keep you around. You hang onto those times he treats you right, hoping they show a glimpse into what he could become in the future. You seem to overlook those long, hard nights in those moments. But I can't.
Maybe you have come to think, in some twisted way, that you deserve this treatment. Maybe you feel you have been through too much together to just let him go now. Maybe you're addicted to the fighting because for once someone cares enough to actually fight with you.
There has been progress. You have gone days without texting him, sometimes even weeks. But something, somehow always brings you right back to him. Despite the hours long talks about how you know you can't text him and go back, it always happens. There's that never-ending cycle again.
The thing I wish you could understand is that you really truly do not deserve it and will find someone so much better. You do not deserve someone who gets mad and only talks to you when he is ready. You do not deserve someone who always puts himself first. You do not deserve someone who only treats you kindly until he is sure he's won you over (again).
You have so much to offer someone; your kind heart and caring attitude are envied by everyone around you. You want to offer this boy everything you have; you want to give him the stability, love, and support you are hoping he has to offer you too. But he is cold. He is broken. He has began to teach you that no matter how much you give, it will never be enough. It scares me and I worry about you.
I hope that one day you see him for the monster he truly is. That you realize this time you really can't go back. There are guys who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated; they will appreciate you and love you like they are the luckiest guy in the world. But before you can find the love you deserve, you have to let him go. You cannot find this kind of love if you keep him around.
Know that I never get tired of hearing about him. I believe the healing process primarily consists of speaking as well as being heard. But do realize also it is hard to spend countless hours talking to you about formulating a new plan about moving forward, only for you to fall back and reenter the cycle once again. Giving advice can get exhausting if it ultimately gets ignored every time. But he is the one to blame; he tells you all the right things and says he hates me and not to listen to me. You don't even have to tell me. I already know, because like I said, he is smart and knows all the right things to say to make you do what he wants.
I pray you find closure. I pray you realize you are strong enough to let him go and are better off without him. I hope that one day you will realize all he was keeping you from and how much you are truly worth. I hope you love a man like never before and know he will love you even more than that. Someone like you doesn't deserve to be hung up on someone like him. You'll find someone better but he never will and that's why he can't seem to let you go either. It's a dangerous cycle that needs to be broken, but I believe in you.