I ask myself every day if I hate you. I cannot help but wonder that if I was still with him, you and I could be really good friends. I guess your timing was good, you were right there around the same time we broke up. It is suspicious how it all worked out so well for you two, whether you wanted this to happen or not. He said he does not want a relationship, yet he is with you, doing the things me and him used to do, doing the things you do in a relationship.

I do not understand how a girl sees a guy who just got out of a very long relationship and gravitates towards that. Why do you want to be in the middle of this drama? How can you be okay with another girl feeling so much pain? I would never want another girl to feel the way I do. I would never want her to feel so useless, hopeless, like she never meant anything. I would never want her to wonder why she just was not good enough, what you have that she does not. I guess I cannot blame you fully, but I do hold you responsible for a lot of things.

Tell me. Does it bother you? Does it make you sad knowing that whatever happens between you and him will never erase what I had with him for all those years? I wonder what it is like being with him right in front of me. Does that make you happy, to see another person crumble? To see another person hit their lowest breaking point? I wonder how one person can place their mere curiosity over someone else’s own happiness.

Whatever the case may be, I am scared for you. He was the person that helped me learn to love my body, become more fearless than ever. He gave me wings and told me to fly, that he will always be there to catch me when I return. But one day, he was not there to catch me. He watched me fall to my lowest point. He was the guy who made me feel so broken and empty, like there are a million things wrong with me. He is the guy that makes me feel like the last few years meant nothing to him. I am scared for you because if he was able to do that to me, what do you think he is capable of doing to you?

When you look into his eyes, know that they used to look at me, all of me. When you get in his car, know that I used to sit in that same spot on our way to dates and beach days. When you hang out with his friends, know they used to be mine. When you sit on his couch, know that we used to sit there, bodies entwined, laughing at whatever Netflix show was on, most likely “Friends." When you kiss his lips, know that those lips used to say “I love you” to me every night. When he touches you, just know those are the hands that used to hold me at night and wipe away my tears.

I hope that you never have to go through this. I hope that you never have to watch the person you love be happy with someone that is not you. I hope that you do not have to see them fall into the arms of someone else less than a month after you. I hope it never gets rubbed in your face, as though you have no feelings, as though it is not pushing you further and further down into a black hole of nothingness. I hope you never feel like the time you spent with that person was a lie, having yourself question everything they ever said to you.

But if this does ever happen to you, I hope you think of how I must of felt. I hope you try to understand all those nights of me crying in the street because you were there with him. I hope you think of me trying not to cry whenever he passes me in public. I hope you think of how many times I saw you two only to bite my tongue and walk away. I hope you think of how useless I must of felt, how disrespected I felt.

If this ever happens to you, I hope you think of me.