I have recently found a new poetry book that I have completely fallen head over heels for. It's named "milk & honey" by Rupi Kaur. This book is about the trials and tribulations she had to face in her 21 years of life, but my heart fell for this one passage.
"father. you always call to say nothing in particular. you ask what i'm doing or where i am and when the silence stretches like a lifetime between us i scramble to find questions to keep the conversation going. what i long to say most is. i understand this world broke you. it has been so hard on your feet. i don't blame you for not knowing how to remain soft with me. sometimes i stay up thinking of all the places you are hurting which you'll never care to mention. i come from the same aching blood. from the same bone so desperate for attention i collapse in on myself. i am your daughter. i know the small talk is the only way you know how to tell me you love me. cause it is the only way i know how to tell you."
First and foremost, I want you to know that this article is not to shame you, to put you down, or to start a fight. In fact, it is the opposite. At 21 years old, I am now realizing more and more of what my life consisted of and why I was making myself hurt even after the obstacles were over. How many times I cried because I had longed for a closer relationship with my father. You never walked out on me, but you haven't ever really let me in. And I use to be so angry at you for that; for so long I felt like you did not love me anymore, but now? Now I know that is not the truth.
You are a man of many words, yet not so many. You speak of stories from your Army and Africa days, but none of how you are feeling. You do tell me you love me when we talk, but when we talk it's only for a few minutes. I know you do not mean it and that you do not even realize that you do it...but a few years ago, I thought you knew exactly what you were doing.
So many times my heart was hurting for all of the dance recitals and competitions you missed. I would pray and hope that when you called to say you were not coming, you were really just lying to me...but you weren't and for so long I was silently holding that grudge against you.
As a female, I put emotions into everything. Some may say I'm over dramatic because it is so easy for me to cry, but for you, there are no tears. I have personally only seen you cry a hand full of times. The first that I can remember was after the divorce, the second was when Sabo died, and the third was when you lost your brother in arms, Sgt. Suzsh. Other than that, I have only seen you laughing, silent, and angry.
I just want you to know that just because we do not talk as often as other father/daughters do, we think a lot differently on certain situations, or we don't seem as close as hoped, I am sorry for ever thinking you did not care. I love you more than anything. You are my father, and you helped raise me and support me. I let my heart get so heavy with being upset and never saying anything that when I thought you were pushing me away, we were really pushing each other. Your few words say more than they do, always remember that.
The spitting image of you.