To the boy who made me doubt my self-worth,
Forgiveness is something I might be too good at. No matter how many times you hurt me while we were “together”, I forgave you. In my eyes, you could do no wrong, and when you did, I forgave you because I believed that you could be a better man.
When things ended, you said that I wouldn’t see you in a relationship for a while because you “just weren’t ready”. You followed that up with the infamous “I want to stay friends” and I believed you.
But you never did feel that way did you? The truth is you were ready for a relationship. You already had who she was in mind. The problem was that it wasn’t me you saw. You said you wanted to be friends, but that wasn’t true either was it? The truth is, you didn’t want to hurt my feelings or be the “bad guy”. You lied to me. And yet, I forgave you like I always did.
I won’t lie, when I found out, I was angry, hurt and confused. I doubted my self-worth. Seeing that you moved on so quickly only confirmed my suspicions: you used me. I was never the girl you wanted. I was the girl who was convenient when you were drunk or lonely. I never mattered to you, did I? Things may have started different, but somewhere along the way, you knew you didn’t want me the way I wanted you. And that’s ok.
I spent too much time thinking about this, so I’m writing this to say: I still forgive you.
So many people have told me that I care too much. They aren’t wrong. When I like someone, I dedicate my entire heart and soul to that person. I was no different with you. And I intend to be no different with the next man. Let me tell you a secret: I don’t see my ability to forgive as a weakness. My ability to forgive and continue to love is what makes me strong.
You may have had me questioning why it wasn’t me that you wanted; but I know now that the point isn’t that you didn’t want me, you never even saw what you could have had. The point is that you never deserved me. Maybe someday you’ll see what you lost.
Best of luck to you in this next chapter of your life. I sincerely wish you the best. I hope she sees all the potential that you have. I hope that she encourages you and challenges you to be a better man, like I used to want to. Maybe someday down the road, you’ll be the person I know you can be.
The one who got away