To The Boy Who Called Me Insecure

To The Boy Who Called Me Insecure

It is 2017, I don’t have time for people stamping their labels on me.
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One, you don’t know me.

Two, you need to sit the hell down.

I was out with one of my friends one Saturday night—we were just cracking jokes, talking sh*t and having a good time. We have a lot in common when it comes to dating, the type of boys we like and not judging our friends for doing what makes them happy. We were talking and I kind of mentioned how I had hung out with this boy in my building the night before and he had straight up said something to the effect of “girl, I know you’re insecure and you can’t resist me.”

Of course, I was pissed and told him to leave. But, as we were talking about boys, drama and such I thought about how mad this irrelevant boy had made me.

I’m pretty open about my feelings or the sh*t I have going on, so someone straight up calling me insecure made me feel like crying and I almost did when this rando said that to me, but obviously, I held it back and didn’t cry in front of him.

Anyway, I’m open and so what if I’m a little insecure? Everyone is insecure about something!!! If that’s the worst thing about me I’m freakin’ fine with that. I would NEVER blatantly call someone insecure to their face. What does that even mean? What kind of a person is that rude? Freaking rude as heck if you ask me.

There are people I don’t like and there are people I do—whatever. I’m not going to directly try to tear anyone down no matter what is going on. I’m insecure? Maybe. But, I also love myself and I’m happier than I’ve been in a while.

I DO NOT NEED ANYONE TELLING ME WHO OR WHAT I AM.

Rude as heck if you ask me.

College is rough and life is rough honestly, but I’m out here supporting my friends and not trying to bring people down.

One of my homies always says “don’t let the haters bring you down.” And, she’s so right!

To the boy that called me insecure… I think you’re the one with all the issues. You’re 19 years old and still stuck in high school—you’re out here hurting other people just to make yourself feel better.

BOOM ROASTED.

It is 2017, I don’t have time for people stamping their labels on me or calling me out when they need to check themselves.

We’re all a little messed up, so there was no need for you to tell me WHO I AM because I didn’t want to hook up with you.

BOY, BYE!

Cover Image Credit: Lindsey Ocock

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An Open Letter to the Guy I'm Finally Getting Over

I think I'm ready to listen to the happy Taylor Swift songs again.
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I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.

I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for a someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, and even though that scared me, I didn't want it stop.

You had me so fooled.

One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to could just leave like that and not even look back. The months after that was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. And the second I started thinking I was okay, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, I yelled, you cried, you yelled, and for a couple weeks I pretended that everything would be okay, and you really meant it this time and we would make it. But just like before, it wasn't real.

Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, after months of dialing your number just to talk myself out of it, I can say that I'm moving on. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't look at our pictures and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had.

That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a Tuesday afternoon when our song comes through my headphones. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. Because I'm done carrying them with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.

So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh; don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.

Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the fierce happiness I felt while we were running wild together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.

I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this, on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory dictate my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.

Onto the next.

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My Rating On Ghosting? BOO.

Just recently I found out what it was like to be ghosted, and it literally is almost worse than going through a tough breakup.

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Ghosting is literally one of the worst things I've experienced. I give it a 0/10 on my list of things I'd love to try again.

It makes you feel like everything said, any interest someone had in you, was all a complete sham. If you've got anxiety, it can keep your mind running around in circles thinking about what it is you did wrong and what you could have changed to make things work out. Your heart breaks a little no matter how little you really got to know them (unless you weren't that interested) because there was a potential that they'd be a great companion (at least until they completely disappeared, that is). Even if you say you don't care, some small part of you does and is just trying to put on a brave face. You wonder why all of a sudden the person is disinterested when nothing you did changed. It feels almost worse than a breakup, because you never got to experience the grand love affair that real couples do, and the ones who ghost never let you see it coming, whereas there's a small chance in a relationship.

If your situation is anything like mine was, there is literally no way you could have imagined being ghosted. The guy in question seemed like he cared, and was there for me every single day after we began talking. We even met in person and called each other boyfriend and girlfriend after he asked me to be official. We never got to see each other after that because of the distance, though I tried to make plans, and then the blocking/ghosting out of nowhere. There was no fight, there was no explanation, he was just gone completely.

I understand that some people go through things internally, too, and they might not feel like sticking around with someone they don't care for anymore. I get that sometimes circumstances change and that you don't want to hurt someone. What I truly don't understand is not having the decency to be honest about those things if they come up. If you don't want to be with someone, just explain to them, and then if they become too angry, or something you can't handle, you have the right to block them. Don't just do it to avoid having a potentially uncomfortable conversation. It is disrespectful and implies that the other person is no longer worth your time or effort.

I don't wish ill on the guy who ghosted me. I truly hope he has a great life, and that he achieves the things he sets out to do. I just wish I could have been there to support him along the way, for at least some time if we wouldn't have lasted. Instead, I don't even get to tell him how proud I am of him whether we would have been together or not when he does have a great life and does great things.

I know we obviously weren't meant to work out, but we were meant to be honest with each other as we promised. I never lied to him, so I wish he wouldn't have lied to me.

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