It's been a while.
Remember me? The one you met a while back, just by chance, who smiled when you were around. Who was shocked that of all people, you joined her for lunch. Who was amazed that she could talk so freely with someone she just met. Who questioned whether or not it was just her getting lucky. Who went back and forth trying to decide whether or not to send a friend request a few days later and then did it, hoping for the best. I`m the girl who was so happy when she got that first message, who was so giddy the whole conversation, who couldn't stop smiling. I`m the one you waved at, who five seconds later was asked by the girl next to me if we were a "thing" and she, without waiting for a response, went on to say "you`d be so cute together". I was the one who laughed and avoided the question because really I didn't know what "we" were.
Remember those movies we watched? Or tried to anyways. You had to deal with me guessing the plot, commenting on the film, quoting lines, asking silly questions, trying to see if you were enjoying my company as much as I enjoyed yours without just asking. I`m the girl who was nervous when we hung out because I didn't know what you were thinking. Who had butterflies for weeks when you held my hand because I thought maybe, just maybe this could be the guy I`ve been searching for. You accepted the fact that I was indecisive and my sarcasm. You accepted me for me. So I thought anyway, and it was the most amazing feeling. You were open and honest, not holding back the truth even though sometimes it would have been okay to say a little less.
Remember all those plans we made and for some reason couldn't follow through with? I was willing to overlook those, willing to get my hopes up for the next adventure that didn't end up happening either. Remember me asking if you were sure you wanted to do something and weren't just saying it to save my feelings? I may not have ask with those exact words but that`s what I meant. Really all I wanted to know was whether or not you cared about me, or if you were just irritated that I wouldn't go away and would rather not talk anymore. Remember when I asked where this was going? Me too. I regret trying to figure things out so soon. I wish I could have kept how I felt to myself a little longer.
Remember how upset I was when you ignored me for weeks? When I sent you that essay on how I blamed myself for us not talking, when really it wasn't just me, and how I explained that I was just overthinking everything? I know you don`t, because I didn't have the guts to send it. I never told you how much it hurt when I didn't get a response for days, weeks at a time. I`m the girl who was disgusted with herself for responding back so quickly when you finally did answer, knowing you would take forever again. See, I`m the kind of girl people seem to think they can walk all over, and I`m getting really sick of that.
You may not have noticed, but I wore my heart on my sleeve, and when you started to hold back, when you had been less than an inch away before and now wouldn't come within a foot, I assumed that you didn't like what you saw anymore and I`m surprised you couldn't see the cracks that were forming. I knew you didn't want anything more than friendship, at least for now, and I had come to terms with that, but when even "friends" wasn't possible, that`s what got me. I wish I didn't feel like I needed to build my walls up again, higher, stronger. I wish I would have in the beginning though, had I known it would turn out this way.
I hope all is well, that you have made some decisions, thought about life, and that maybe, just maybe, I cross your mind every once in a while. Or a lot. Either one of those really, as ridiculous as that is. I guess the one thing I really want you to remember is that even after all that you put me through, even if you didn't know you were doing any of it, is that I still (maybe stupidly) care about you and I`d forgive you in a heartbeat, because not having you in my life hurts more than a "hey there" once in a while ever would.
The Girl Who Never Really Understood