I think we are both old enough to admit our wrong doings, look back, and breathe a sigh of relief. A sigh of relief that the hard feelings are long forgotten and the hatchet is buried 6-feet under. A closure of some sort that reminds us how fast time marches on but also a sign of a change. No longer do we harbor a bitter desire for revenge but instead a mutual agreement of a strange type of friendship. But before we can embrace this calmness, I think we should address a few things.
You were the first. The first to hurt me in such a way that I wanted to buy 20 cats and a ranch in Wyoming. The first to make me look in the mirror and want to change everything about me. Cut my hair, wear red lipstick, be anyone but me. Because you would have been in love with anyone else but me. And isn't that such a toxic feeling to want to be anyone but yourself for another person?
It wasn't hate that I felt towards you. Frustration, yes. Frustrated that you wasted my time, that you made me feel whole, but broke me into two so easily. Frustrated at the unread messages, frustrated at the lack of closure, frustrated at myself for falling. And even though all this frustration boiled and welled up inside of me, I still didn't hate you. I wished your car would have exploded, but I still couldn't hate you. I was mad at you, but hating would take too much energy. I was mad that you couldn't see me for me. Mad that when something funny happened during the day, I couldn't tell you.
We didn't talk for six months, maybe even more. I truly lost count and believed that you had just become a ghost of a relationship. Like you had disappeared into thin air and left me with nothing but memories. When you're hurt but not filled with hate, missing someone is a whole lot worse. Without closure or an explanation, I almost started to think it had never happened.
When we started talking again, I vowed to never get close to you again. I couldn't trust you. Why would I want to trust someone who broke me into a thousand pieces with no remorse. Yet, how could we still be friends? How can two people that are so wrong for each other go back to being just friends after a year of give and take?
Now that I am older, I have learned to forgive and admit when I am wrong. To not hold onto something so tight that it shatters. That sometimes to save fact is to move on. But not forget.
I will never regret our "relationship." Because you taught me a lot of things. Like how if you have to chase someone maybe they aren't yours in the first place. Or like how you always tell me I'm going to go places in life. Although, there was a point I would have stayed by you through anything. And I mean anything.
We will never be "just friends." We will never be the type of friends that end up on the hood of sports car discussing our existence. We can't be that way. Because I have found someone that loves every single part of me. I have found someone that picked up where you left off. Someone who doesn't make me want to change myself but to change the world.
I only wish the best for you. For you to go out and find yourself. That one day you will go on adventures that I know you want to go. You'll finally get a Chevelle to rebuild. Or maybe join a band. But the thing that I really wish for you is simple. That someday you will find someone perfect for you and not destroy her like me, but feel completely whole.
Because even you don't deserve a broken heart.