Thank you for accepting me even when I didn't accept you

When I was growing up, I knew of the stigma that surrounded counseling. It involved the stereotype of someone who was incapable of being helped or “saved.” I also carried around the fear that spawned from my own upbringing. When I was little, before my family knew that my brother was bipolar, we tried to take him to counseling. Instead of that being a healthy step in the right direction, my brother threatened to kill himself if we were to try to get him help. In addition to my adolescence, the fear of counseling continued after my mom passed away. At that time, I knew I needed help, but I wasn't ready to get it. It was a time I needed just to be sad, but no one got that. I had to ignore my emotions in public to guard myself from the fear of my peers, friends, and mostly family that I needed counseling if I wanted to feel the same again.

I was scared to even start therapy. I thought that if I did, I would accept my own failure-- my lack of capableness of my own emotions. I feared that I would never become whole again.

When I started college, I still felt as though counseling was stigmatized. So, even when I saw my mental health going down, I ignored it. My residence assistant and director urged me to try my school's counseling center, but I ignored them too. It wasn't until my all-time low of complete self hatred and suicidal thoughts did I think I had to go.

I feel like with such a big step like counseling, you need to do it for you, not someone else.

Even after signing up, I faced the fear of having one of those standard PHD people having me lay on a couch and talk about my problems. This is where I get to the fun part!

My counselor wasn't some old guy with a beard smoking a pipe asking me “how do you feel about that?”. My counselor was a woman who was at my school getting her master's degree. Although I can't get into specifics about her, I can talk about how much she helped me, and how much my perspective on life has changed.

At the first session, we talked about goals I should set for myself for the year. I wanted to deal with the loss of my mom in a healthy manner and learn how to find myself amid grief.

I had good weeks and bad ones. Sometimes, I would be gleaming over a guy or crying about my latest breakdown.

My counselor wasn't that standard one who didn't act like she care. She sat and cried with me when it was what I needed. She let me sit in silence when I needed to process my current batch of emotions.

Now to present day, I am not ashamed to say I am in counseling. If it wasn't for my counselor, I don't know where I would be.

I learned that I had to find myself before I could fix myself. And, although I have a long way to go, I know myself now more than ever.

If you're in need of counseling, I urge you to go! It's a scary world out there and it is awesome to have someone to talk to about how you fit into it. And, if aren't in need of counseling, find out more about it. Be an ally! Break the stigma that surrounds counseling!