You’re the reason I can’t get out of bed some days. You’re the reason why I don’t go out often. You’re the reason for the tight feeling in my chest, and the racing thoughts in my head.

Anxiety, this is my letter to you.

You have been controlling my life in dark shadows since high school only I could see and feel. You have gotten in the way of amazing opportunities, and events where I could have heightened my career in acting, and gone to school out of state, and even out of the country. You have gotten in the way of my education, and my ambition to continue during a tough period of time.

You have been controlling my emotions and driving me completely crazy some days. You make me think my boyfriend is going to break up with me because I’ve texted him twice in a row. Or, that I don’t have enough time in the day to finish two tasks, to the point where I’m crying in my bed overwhelmed.

You have been controlling my social life. Some friends understand and tell me it’s okay. Yet some people don’t even know that I have anxiety, and I’m physically shaking because I’m too anxious to leave my room and go to a party or to go to the mall. Some days are too much over nothing, and it’s crippling and it’s frustrating.

Anxiety, I hate you. I wonder what it’s like to not have anxiety. To not have something control my every thought and every action. You are like a controlling parent, or boyfriend yet you don’t want the best for me. You want to keep me still- you want to ruin me. Hold me captive.

I feel strangled and at moments I can’t breathe. It’s like I have my lungs filled with toxin. Yet the toxin slowly takes over my body. Every muscle, to tendons, to my bones. To the point where I can’t move. I’m stuck. I always feel stuck.

Yet you know what? I’m breaking free. I’m taking my life into my own hands. Sure, I’ll beat you with a little help of prescription meds — but that doesn’t make me weak. I’m going to push you to the side, have post-it notes of to-do lists, and quotes on my walls and doors. I’m taking charge of my life, and I’m no longer going to miss out on opportunities. I’m going to graduate college and live out in the world on my own.

And you won’t be missed.