Dear Marlene,

When I noticed you the first time, I thought you had a devastating kind of beauty. I knew the inevitable love business would eventually detonate an atomic bomb and everything would be annihilated. Everything.

So I kept my distance and tried to steer my thoughts away from your smile and the full effect of your eyes. I crushed my longing to know you and your quirks and your idiosyncrasies. I smothered every wayward, impulsive urge to reach out to tap your shoulder and introduce myself to your exciting world.

I retreated into my shell, my safe space. Then one day, another time, you knocked on my vault and lingered. Not once did you ask to be let in, not once did you even think about leaving. You just…lingered.

Then the walls collapsed, and I collapsed at your feet. You could have held that over my head like a sword suspended on the end of twine, but you didn’t.

You sat cross-legged in front of me. You sat there in silence and you watched me until you thought it was alright to reach out and touch my cheek. You tucked your fingers into my collar and watched me watch you, scrutinize you as I wondered what the hell your intentions were. I wondered. I imagined. I self-deprecated. I self-destructed. I struggled with myself. When I couldn’t take the fight out of myself, I tried to turn on you, but something in me leashed me in, held me back.

You’ve never really seen the full extent of my horror. There’s just never been any occasion to show it to you. You calm me while supporting me. You make me face my negative emotions, but you don’t make me despise you for it. You make me accept myself better.

And that’s an invaluable gift you have given me.

I cannot even begin to express my gratitude that you stayed. In spite of everything, you dissolved my disparaging view of the world and of myself by staying. Though I don’t know how much longer you will stay, I cherish every second you did stay, you do stay, especially when I give you absolutely no reason to.

Now when I notice you, I don’t see something devastating in your beauty. I see something rare. I see you. If death came with your persona, I’d embrace her like I’ve always embraced you.

I think you should know that you’re as much a part of me as the winds that change the tack of a sailing ship. And those are never, ever forgotten.