Dear Father,

Yes, I am still here. I am doing great things in the world and yes, I wish you were there to be proud of me — but hey, I’m doing fine. I never understood why you were the way you were and maybe someday you’ll explain that to me. But just so you know, I haven’t spent all the time we’ve had apart sulking and drowning in my misery. I learned quite quickly what a man was not supposed to be like and it made me more cautious in opening my heart to others. Maybe now you’ve changed, but I guess I’ll never know.

I can no longer bring myself to call you "Dad" though, and I'm sorry.

I always just wanted to be enough for you, something you could boast about and be proud of. Coming to my performances always seemed like a job for you though, like an obstacle on the path to your real plans... and your new family. I was ashamed to talk about my home life as a child because growing up with divorced parents is hard. I ended up secluding myself from others half the time simply because I didn’t want to explain my situation to them. I know this problem isn't necessarily your fault, but I wish you had noticed that it was happening. I also wish you had treated mom better. She deserved so much more and I did too.

I realize that after you and my mother broke things off, you were trying to move on to a new chapter of your life, but I don’t think you realized that I was taking the brunt of the pain from the situation. It all happened so fast. I was the one being left in the dust, not you. You dragged me along to live with serious girlfriends over the years and as you introduced me as your daughter to their family members, I could see the awkwardness it was causing for you both.

People were thinking "Oh, you're with a man that already has two grown kids?" As I grew older, I sheltered myself from those moments as often as I could by scheduling myself to work the whole weekend I was supposed to be staying with you. It was hard knowing that I was becoming more of a burden than a blessing. It was quite the wake-up call.

Thank you for showing me at a young age that I should never get my hopes too high because someone might be right there to crush them.

Don’t worry though, Mom got me through it.

To be blunt, you missed a lot of my childhood and for you to still act as though you cared, made it even worse. It hurt me to see you sitting there in the auditorium at my graduation as if we were “best buds for life” when in reality, we hadn’t spoken in years. I can't explain it, but I never once stopped looking for you in the stands during my high school years. I don’t know why I thought that one day, you’d be there for me. That disappointment grew and occurred more times than I’ll ever be able to count. It gave me every false hope I could ever think of in my life.

Unfortunately for you, because you missed basically everything except graduation — where you didn’t even speak to me, you gave my brother a check to pass on to me — you no longer have my attention and my best wishes. I don't even want you to claim me as your own honestly. Maybe someday that will change, but as of right now, I’m just another successful young woman to you.

But I hope that you can find it within yourself to (secretly) be proud of me because absolutely everything I am doing is to show you that I can do great things and accomplish my dreams without you. Now, after all these years, I hope you realize that you missed watching me grow into the strong and courageous woman I am today. Don't worry, I remember some of the good times, but mostly the bad and that truly destroyed me inside.

And lastly, out of all the things you can claim you taught me or contributed to my existence, you instilled in me that I should never rely on a man because I absolutely do not need one to take care of me.

I don’t want to hate you; that is not something I would prefer to spend my time doing. I simply do not want to look back on my life and regret your mistake as one of my own. So I forgive you... in an effort to improve myself. I no longer want to carry this baggage or continue to let it define me in even the slightest way.

I know that I’ll continue to see you from afar, but know that I have not forgotten; I have only forgiven... for all the disappointment, for the anxiety, for making me feel worthless and broken, and for the countless amount of tears and regrets. I forgive you for not being there when I needed a dad and I forgive you for not trying harder to change that.

You leaving me behind is probably the biggest heartbreak I'll ever endure — no matter how ready I was for it to happen.

Sincerely,

Your First Child