Growing up in a Christian home, going to a Christian school and attending church every Sunday, I often thought that life would work out just the way I planned. I was "doing all the right things" and I was "a pretty good person." So, why did stuff go wrong? Why did hard things happen? How was I supposed to respond when I was hurt deeply? As I've grown in my faith, I've learned that God's reasons and timing are not mine a large percentage of the time. However, God's masterpieces are always so much more beautiful than the finger-paintings I create myself and trusting His plans for my life has always been completely worth it.

My dad was diagnosed with leukemia the summer before my last year of middle school. Up until that point, sorrow really hadn't found me. When I heard the word cancer, I was immediately terrified. I didn't know what would happen and I wasn't sure that God was in control of it. After all, I had been so faithfully serving Him, so why this? I questioned God and I doubted my faith, shaking loose what I had been taught my entire life; trying to rely on what I thought I could control. As my dad faced the treatments for his cancer, it quickly became clear that God was providing. My dad maintained a spirit of joy, contagious to those around him. It was evident that God was working in ways I'd never expected, and I slowly began to trust Him again.

In March of the next year, my dad was officially cancer free. He had gotten a stem cell transplant and it seemed that everything would be OK. But then, he got an infection. His health slowly declined and he passed away June of that year. My heart was hit with extreme sorrow in an instant. I wasn't OK and I didn't want anyone to know. I put God on a shelf, refusing to acknowledge Him in my hurting heart. However, God stooped down into the ashes and lifted me, so completely His daughter, from my own despair.

After attending an impactful week at a Christian summer camp, God met me in my brokenness and pointed me towards Himself. I came to realize that He was still faithful among the shadows of my shattered heart. And He provided. He provided and continues to provide abundant joy. Joy is not found in circumstances, but rather through the abounding love of Christ. Choosing joy each day isn't easy but it is worth it. I've recognized that God provides most deeply in times where seeing Him is most difficult because there are some days I don't get it right. Yet, even in moments of pure desperation, God's provision still transcends my circumstances. He always hears my cries. He always offers me limitless grace. He is always faithful in my weakness. He always gives me the strength needed to choose Him so that I can choose joy.