To Be An Outlander
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To Be An Outlander

While everything indicates this is my home and my true place of origin, I can’t help but feel like a foreigner.

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From the moment I could dream, I always dreamt of living a life anywhere but here. While it was hard to imagine for a long time, eventually my dreams became so vivid and surreal to me that the longer I stayed in the sleepy town I’ve called home, the more pain I felt in my heart. I was born here, I grew up and went to school here; I met my best friend, fell in love, had my heart broken and so many big things--both good and bad--have happened to me here. But the problem is, I don’t want to stay here. While everything indicates this is my home and my true place of origin, I can’t help but feel like a foreigner. I feel like I’ve been visiting, and eventually, became a hostage to the town so many people I know and love have decided to call home.

It is so hard explaining to someone who doesn’t quite understand. How do I explain that I do not belong here when everything is telling them otherwise? My family has planted roots here from the moment New Braunfels was founded. My family legacy is deeply seeded within the streets and bustling shops and monuments of this German founded Texas town. While it has many quirks and things I love about it, and things I will never find anywhere else--I am willing to leave it all behind. Because while this is my home, I know I do not belong. I am not meant to stay, and I am not meant to be buried in the same cemetery multiple generations of my family is buried in.

I don’t want to die here, I don’t want to continue writing my story here. But with limited resources and a crappy hand that makes it hard to do just about anything--what am I supposed to do? How can I make the move I know is necessary for me to continue to be happy, healthy and thriving?

I guess I just have to have faith. Because I was born here, and from the moment I knew there was more than New Braunfels, and more than Texas--I knew I wanted to see it. I didn’t want to stay, especially considering all the people here wanted nothing to do with me.

There is nothing left for me. I have nothing left to contribute, and I feel that this chapter of my life has come to an end. But, what do I do from here? I will have to find out, but I know one thing to be certain: it’ll be terrifying, it’ll be wonderful, and it’ll work out just as I need it to.

Because God has a plan for me--and it does not include me staying in a place where I am not thriving, unhappy, and have done everything I was meant to do.

New Braunfels--you are my beginning, but I will not allow you to be my end. I will leave one day, and one day I will return. But I won’t be coming home. I’ll just be visiting. This is not my home. I don’t know where home is yet, but I’m sure I’ll find it.

As for everyone and everything else--just have faith. Because sometimes having a little faith makes the crazy less intense. It makes it more bearable. Hell, my faith and determination (stubborness) is the reason I am alive, and the reason I can say with certainty that I won’t be a Texan for much longer. At least, not if I can’t help it.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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