As Valentine’s Day draws near, you need to be positive! Be proud of yourself! Go out there and win over that girl or guy you’ve been crushing on for weeks. You know who's a good motivator? SpongeBob. So, here we go. Some tips to land you the perfect date for Valentine’s Day!

Be positive.

Yeah, you know it! Be happy, be encouraging, get loud and be proud. Shout out at the world at the top of your lungs that you’re ready!

Be Confident.

OK, maybe not that confident. You don’t want to be a jerk…or do you? I mean, some people like that, but it’s probably not a great idea.

You’re beautiful and should be proud.

What’s that? Ugly? No. Who would say such a thing? Be proud of your looks! As someone probably said, “You get your looks from your mother/father.” Hopefully they were telling the truth and not implying that your parents looked like monsters.

Go out for a nice dinner.

McDonalds? I mean, if you’re trying to trick them into thinking you’re going to woo them into a false sense of security with below-par, half-cooked French fries, be my guest.

Get them a nice gift.

Oh, I mean you can get a lot with $3! Let’ see. A candy bar, two donuts, a small Starbucks coffee… OK, the point is that you got them something, right? It shows that you care!

Hang out with friends.

Ah, who needs a date with one person when you can party with your friends? You’ve got friends right? You don’t? Well, then…

Hang out with that friend.

Well, this could be fun, right? You haven’t seen each other in ages and think that a little session won’t hurt. What’s that? Got work/school the next day? I guess go nuts then.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Sea what I did there? No need to be salty about that failed date from last year. Just try again, and if you fail, just tell yourself to move on. You don’t need it.

Make yourself presentable.

Haven’t showered in a few days? A few months, you say? Brushing your teeth is a rare occurrence? Eh, he/she will love you no matter what.

Give him/her a home cooked meal.

A kitchen? You mean the extra storage room for your garbage? I mean, feel free to dig through and find the stove and throw something together to make a “mystery meat soupy surprise.” They will be speechless.

Show your true motivation

If all else fails, then be 100% honest about your feelings. Nothing can go wrong, right?

YOU WERE SUCCESSFUL!

In some strange, parallel universe, you succeeded. You had an awesome date, you were the greatest, you eventually got married and had some kids. After putting your dreams to the side to raise a family, your child asks you what your dreams for life are. Don’t disappoint them!

Disclaimer: This article does not condone this kind of erratic behavior. If one does use these tips and somehow succeeds, congratulations! Tell me your secrets oh great wizard of Gamelon.