I caught the flu bug last weekend and over the since I have been recovering from probably the worst sickness I've ever had. Granted, this is the first sickness I've had since I moved away from home so the only reason why it got so bad was because I didn't have Mom to tell me what to do. Lucky for me, I was blessed with the love of loyal friends who helped me get over the worst of it. But this being the most interesting thing that has happened to me recently, I'd thought I'd write about it. We all have thoughts while we are sick, thoughts that we don't normally have. Sickness brings us closer to death, and death makes us philosophical. While I was in the midst of the worst of it, lying shivering with a fever in my bed on Saturday night, I had a few noteworthy thoughts that seem important enough to publish. They seem to accurately describe what it feels like to suffer from the flu.
1. I'm going to die one day
I mean, I knew this before I got sick, but never before had I been so close to death. In fact, I thought about what would happen if I died that night. Who would find my body? What would they tell everyone? Would the person who lives in my dorm next year sleep on the same mattress I died on or would they replace it? Oh and of course, there were thoughts of an afterlife, the typical questions one asks themselves when faced with a life or death situation.
2. If I die right now, people will see me in my underwear and I will have no control over it
I just took of my pants and crawled into bed so if I died that night, they would find me dead in my underwear. Whoever finds my body would find me without any pants on. I don't know why this bothered me so much, but I think I thought about this fact more than I did about the fact that I will die one day. I still didn't get up to put pants on though.
3. I forget what the sun feels like on my skin
This was profound mainly the next day, as I sat dying, lookout out the window at all the kids running around in their shorts and t-shirts in the sun. I forgot what it felt like to feel the sun on my skin. Pure, uninterrupted sunshine. It looked so good from where I sat, just out of my reach.
4. Who will miss me when I'm gone?
When I die, who will remember me? Who will miss me? Who will cry, who will have wished for more time, who will laugh at all the times we had together? Perhaps it is death that truly determines friendship, because most don't realize what they have until it is taken away.
5. I have to write an autobiography now
I remember thinking that if I die tonight, my autobiography will have never been written. I thought about jumping up and starting it with my last dying breaths, but instead I just stayed in bed and thought about the fact that it would never be written.
6. Are these the friends I will have 10 years from now?
A lot can change in 10 years, will the same people I am friends with now still be in my life 10 years from now? Where will life take us, will we remember one another? Is there a chance we could become indifferent to one another, perhaps even hate one another? Will we make new friends, better friends? Or will we all be friend until the end of time?
7. What if the person I'm supposed to love dies in a horrible accident before I meet him?
I think about this a lot, but mostly when I am sick. I'm a hopeless romantic and a strong believer in "the one", but I'm also constantly worrying about the well being of that future significant other. Is he doing alright? I mainly worry about him dying before I have a chance to fall in love with him.
8. Helen Keller went blind and deaf because of a sickness
Of course, I wondered if the same would happen to me. And then I wondered if it did how I would ever live up to the standards she set. There's no way.
9. Pandas are the lamest bear there are
Think about it. There are grizzly bears, polar bears, black bears, and even those cute little sun bears. All of those bears are meat eating, environment adaptable, people killing bears. Heck, sun bears are about the size of a large dog and just as cute, but they are known for attacking people without reason. Have you seen The Revenant? Those grizzly bears mean business. But then there are panda bears. Pandas are literally the lamest bear there is. They don't do any of the things other bears do. They eat bamboo, not meat (even though they have teeth made for carnivores), they can't handle any environmental change whatsoever (they're on the verge of extinction), and they let people coddle them as if they are human babies. Sure, they're cute, but so are other bears and at least other bears can take care of themselves. I didn't realize how passionate I was on this topic until I started thinking about it when I was sick. There's a lot a fever can make you emotional about.