When we met, there was no magic moment that defined, "okay now we will be close forever", it just happened. We got closer and closer as the years went on, but how close were we? I thought we were as close as could be. But I often wondered, why couldn't I tell you personal secrets or my worries and fears without judgement? What we had was never real. I thought it was, but that was just you controlling me to make me think you were true to me.
I doubted my thoughts. You were better than I made it out to be. Sure you annoyed me, but who's loved ones don't annoy them? I thought I was being overly critical. After all, my personality is no walk in the park either. We hung out all the time and had millions of photos and said we loved each other so it must've been a real thing. But it wasn't.
Sometimes I think I miss you, but I don't think it's you that I miss. I think I miss that special person I thought I had. I don't have a special person in my life anymore. I wish I did. Maybe I was using you as my special person to cater to my own needs.
I should've seen the signs from the start that you were no good. You were bossy, manipulative, immature, and insensitive to others- all opposite of me. But still, I put it all aside because I believed in us. We had our future mapped out and we were together in that future. Not anymore.
When the breaking point of the relationship came, I knew I had to talk to you. I was scared of someone who supposedly loved me and had my back. I was scared to be myself around you or share secrets or to even be around you for fear of being, blatantly put, harassed. I was told, "Just tell the truth, your feelings are valid and anyone worth keeping would understand." I was so sure that you would. I had faith in us and in you. You weren't and aren't a bad person. Of course you would understand and be on my side.
I was devastated to learn that I was wrong. That's what is most upsetting. All those hours we spent together I thought you were on my side, but you never were. You were only on my side when it worked in your favor. If you could boss me around and make yourself look better than me, everything was cool. That second I finally stood up to you, something that took years of courage, you couldn't accept that. You reflected off your own problems and tried to accuse me of everything that I see in you.
In the end, we never got angry and said, "I'm never talking to you again." We said we loved each other and promised to try. I was so sure that something could be worked out. We could work on our problems and keep something. But this was a one sided effort. You promised to try and you never did. I texted you and tried so hard to keep you in my life. You pushed me away.
I don't hate you. I never could. I love watching you succeed from far away. I'll always be wishing you the best. But one day when I watch your wedding and children growing up from far behind, I won't be apart of any of it. To say I'm not sad about that would be a lie. But, I don't think I regret that you are out of my life. I stood up to you after so long and it was my proudest moment. I am so happy to be free from our toxic relationship that held me down more than I realized at the time.
But I'm sad. I'm sad that you weren't different. I am sad that I can't go back to age 13 and make sure to stand my ground and let you know we are equal. Maybe we could've kept something in the end. I'm sad that you don't want to try. I'm sad that you can't understand what you were doing to me and that you probably are never able to change your personality. I am sad that I didn't listen to my family sooner when they told me you were no good and that I needed to remove you from my life. I am sad that I couldn't be the person you probably needed. Most of all, I'm sad that I can still say that I love you but I don't hear it back.
I will always love you, but I'm happy to end this. It was never real. There was only one winner in our relationship, and it wasn't me. I won in the end though. Although, it doesn't feel like it. I am sad, heartbroken, dissapointed, and betrayed. But I'm happy. I won. I put myself first. I let me win. You were the one I wanted, but not the one I needed. I'm so proud of myself for realizing that. I wish you the best in everything you do and I'll always be cheering you, I'll just be cheering you on from far away instead of by your side. Maybe one day we could reconnect. But for now, I am happy watching from a far and loving myself.