January 3, 2017

I suppose I have to keep a journal. I am not really sure what I want out of this class. I definitely feel like I know less than everyone in here. I have not really educated myself on this subject so knowing more about it is a goal. I have talked to my dad about it, and he thinks the Holocaust never happened. Which confuses me, because how can such a smart person be in such denial? I feel like this class will be one of the most emotionally challenging.

January 5, 2017

I am very tired today and I can barely keep my eyes open. I did not even know what anti-Semitism means, so I had to look it up. In the back of my mind, I have always thought how Jews have had such a hard time in history, being kicked out of their own land, multiple times. I also have thought how resilient they are, and maybe that bothers others. I am still not sure if being Jewish is a religion or a racial group or both, I texted my friend that is Jewish and he said it was both; Google is not explaining things too well.

January 10, 2017

Judgment at Nuremberg, at least the part that was shown was dense. I want to actually see the whole movie, and I am going to try my hardest to see it next week. Clearly, it is something in which everyone has some fault, but I think the best way is to acknowledge it and not ignore it. I was a little surprised that I did not cry during the movie. It does not take that much for me to cry, and with such an emotional movie I thought I was going to be the first one to start sobbing. I think it is because I am sick and I kind of feel like death, I am trying my hardest just to keep my snot in my nose. I think that even though the documentaries are there, the fact that this actually happened is hard to swallow. It seems like common sense, yet I guess it was not because it happened. And not only did it happen, but it is happening again; we see injustice and do absolutely nothing about it. This reminds me of what is going on in Syria, and we are not helping people, and when this war ends we are just going to write one big apology and say we did not know better, or some bull excuse, when it is actually just fear. Fear to stand up, fear to be wrong, fear to go against, fear to think for one’s self.

January 12, 2017

I need to watch The Pawnbroker, whole! I realized that I had never seen a film about the Holocaust that the setting was not in a concentration camp. While I was watching the film, all I could think of was how can someone go back to normal after surviving such a thing? No seriously, his entire life not only changed but was dehumanized, and he still has to figure out a way to work and make money and function. I always feel like I learn the most after things have happened than during it. I feel like I am going to learn a lot, but not know it until after the class is over. You know?

January 17, 2017

Amen. So be it, period. We shall let it be. But let what be? We should let people be shitty and kill each other and not say anything? In a weird way, I think that all the mass murders and injustices in the world happen because there are dumb and smart people. The smart people take advantage of the dumber ones, and they do not realize until it is too late. Maybe there is such a thing as superiority. Why is it so hard to stand up for what is right? What are we so afraid of? To die, lol we are going to regardless of our actions so? I guess today is just one of those days that I question everything…

January 19, 2017

Today we watched the Diary of Anne Frank. I read this when I was in 8th grade and have not really heard much of it since. Now looking at it, it makes me sadder. She went through two years of living in a cellar, just to end up dying? She was so disciplined and that is what she gets? Not trying to be pessimistic here, but sometimes The Stranger by Albert Camus pops in my mind and I cannot help but think, maybe things are not supposed to make sense, and when I question my religion and my beliefs that is when I mostly feel like I am finding myself. I know that I have come a long way from my bubble back in Naples, but sometimes I cannot help but wonder how different my life would be if I remained ignorant, and I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

January 24, 2017

This play shook something in me. I feel like it is not meant to be a visual thing, and even if it was an acted out play, I would want to close my eyes the entire time and just listen. It was interesting hearing what everyone had to say and how just words have so much meaning. I mean, I never really gave it much thought but I realized why I love learning languages so much. When I was little I had to learn English as my second language; it only took my a year to be completely fluent, but it sucked. That feeling of not knowing what is going on, or what someone is saying. I hated it, and it made me never to want to feel like that ever again. So now, I guess I am a little too obsessed with languages and learning.

January 26, 2017

While we were discussing everything that we have watched, it finally hit me what the purpose of this class is. It is about theater. I feel like since I know so little, I always feel like I need to catch up to know the terminology and lingo. I know by now the professor has it multiple times, but for some reason it sank in today. I also realized how stupid I have been and not taken as many notes as I should have. I am always complaining that this is my first time learning this and blah blah, and here I am being a hypocrite and not jotting down my notes, honestly what is my problem? I am still rather confused with the whole ‘body’ and what more it means. I though I was deep and overanalyzed everything; until I took this class and realized that I ain’t shit. This is deeper than deeper, and I am glad I took this class, but I always seem to be brain dead when I leave because of all the thinking I am doing. I hope my professor does not think I am not participating, because it genuinely takes me that long to process, and by the time I am done thinking and processing we are moving on to the next focus, which motivates me to keep up, but it is a little too fast for me to form my thoughts and give my own input. This is the first class in which people are actually participating, and people are involved, I love it! I am not the only person talking, and everyone actually knows what they are talking about, unlike my other classes where you can tell the people get their information from Facebook or Twitter.

January 31, 2017 (Bent)

ABSENT

February 2, 2017 (Midterm)

ABSENT

February 7, 2017 (Europa, Europa)

Was I the only one that cried during the beginning this? They killed his family right off the bat! I guess that is just like real life, one minute you are alive, and the next you are not. This boy is strong, it is so hard seeing someone around my age go through this, I can barely imagine having to do half the things he did at that age. I thought high school was stressful, I cannot imagine going through Europe without my parents. I love to travel, but simply because it makes me realize how lucky I am to have grown up in such a beautiful place, but I cannot imagine it being destroyed and having to roam looking for safety. I guess maybe one of the many points of the film, in general, is that it could happen, whether it did or did not, it could happen, and I think knowing that was based off the Holocaust gives me the creeps. Would I have been that strong? Or would I have given up as soon as my parents would have died? Salomon was once an outsider and works his way through the inside. How did he stand by and witness all that he did, which one is worse? Living, against everything that you were raised by or giving in and dying but being true to your name and believes and who you are. Which one is better? Living under a fake name, and having to pretend with everyone that you are someone you are not, or giving in and joining your people and fighting with them? This film made me feel so conflicted, do I admire or hate the character?

February 9, 2017 (Inglorious Bastards)

I do not want to be that person, but I am also too comfortable with myself to be that person; this was such a dope movie, whether it is overrated or not! The blood scenes were a little too graphic for me to be very honest, but I liked it! I am such a daydreamer and anything that involves imagination and creativity, sign me up! It does bother me though, that this clearly did not happen, yet it was made. I feel like since so many people are still undereducated about the Holocaust making films like this is just distracting even more from this alarming fact! While watching this I could not help but wonder, how many people that watch this knew that it was about the Holocaust. I mean, you have to be really dumb to not know, but still, people tend to disappoint me more often than surprise me, so. I can’t help but think about this movie in more than one aspect, yet I am not sure if I believe in one, two, all, or none. At simple glance it just a typical action movie, I mean yes the majority is a bunch of guns and violence and shooting, but if you look past that there is so much more meaning; but if you chose not to, it could just be another action thriller. To me, it shows how acceptable in our society it is to hate. To hate the ones that are better off, to hate and put the blame on others, to hate the ones that are doing the hating. And to hate to the point of killing. It has shown me how little we have come from this; and it saddens every inch of my body. What was going on during this time that made humans so nasty towards each other? I don’t get it, am I missing something? Why are we so cruel to each other, do some people not feel guilt? Am I in the minority? Do people not get all weak and teary when you see a homeless person on the freezing streets of Jackson Ave. right before class? Am I the only one that needs time after this class to get my thoughts together because of how sad everything we are learning about is? Have we really not learned anything? We keep doing things that are hurtful and people keep wondering why the world is the way it is, but WE can just stop. We blame society, but we are society. If we want to stop doing these horrible things we just stop. Obviously, it is more complex than that, but how did someone like Hitler, or Trump get into power? Because most people do think, or rather not think, and are limited to only what they know and do not want to know anything else. Obviously, we can’t change them if they do not want to be changed, but we should educate everyone enough to the point of knowing that it is wrong. I just feel like there are so many problems and not enough people doing anything about it, and it is quite overwhelming, knowing that while the Holocaust was going on some people did absolutely nothing, but worse is knowing that not much has changed, that is even worse.

February 14, 2017 (Jakob the Liar)

Rob Williams! It feels weird seeing him in this movie, knowing he is dead. It almost even feels like he will live forever, because he was captured in this scene. I have tried to watch this movie so many times, but I end up falling asleep half way through, I am not kidding I have watched the first hour five different times now! After talking to my professor I realized that I do have to watch the full movies, all of them! It is a little weird, because when I am watching a movie I feel like I want to watch it for pure entertainment, but for some reason when I was watching this I felt pressure to play very close attention and it was stressing me out. Over time, I would watch it, it would actually stress me out, then I would eat, then I would pass the freak out because my brain was stressed. SO my goal for this, is to watch the whole freaking thing! This movie had very uplifting parts. I feel like there were scenes and moments in which I forgot I was watching people from concentration camps and thought they were going on living their normal lives. I mean the scenes did not change and the living conditions were still there on screen, but because of the ways in which the characters gossiped, and talked, and whispered and made future plans reminded me of what my friends and I do, every day. Seeing this made me wonder if that was the case, where people that cheerful if they heard good news, or if by the time they heard anything about the Russians they were too weak to care about anything other than food? I remember the professor pointed out the ‘beginning’ of the film, and how the film begins before the film begins, what the heck does that mean? I definitely need to think about this a little more on my own. It began with a joke, and correct me if I’m wrong, but makes it seems very optimistic… I guess to be hopeful and cheerful is a very Jewish thing to be. Later the professor tells us the story about ‘truth’, and how this ratchet woman tells the guy seeking truth that she is beautiful and will answer all his questions, well hello she is ugly! Rule number one already broken when seeking the truth! I never really thought about it like this, but what I got out of it was that the truth is ugly, the end, no more discussion. If the ‘truth’ is pretty than it is not the truth, and it makes sense. Even when something good comes out from the truth it sucks and it is ugly. For instance, a case in which justice is finally served, the truth comes out, and the real killer or whatever serves his time, and justice is served, that whole concept is so messed up. How long did it take to get that justice? I feel like my understanding of this class is becoming less fussy and the puzzle pieces are starting to fit, a little better.

February 16, 2017 (The Ghetto)
I came home and started watching this, I have to say I am very fond of the idea of this woman being such a badass, I even made my friend Yulissa watch it with me. She had no idea what was going on because it was a quarter in, but I explained it and it was nice watching it with someone else. It was weird because up until I watched it with my friend I forgot that an entire room full of students are watching these films with me. Not that I was not aware, but I was so caught up in how I was feeling, and what I was getting from it and trying to process it that I forgot to make connections with other students outside of class, and really discuss it. Wow, am I slow sometimes?! I feel like I should actually do that, but knowing me I will never have the balls to talk to anyone. I will probably talk to my RA, hahaha I am such a dweeb!

As I am sitting there and watching it with my friend I realize how disturbing it all is. It was nice to really sob because I didn’t have to have my shit together, low-key I am kind of scared to cry in class because when I do it’s intense and my nose gets all runny and whatnot. It was nice to go to my own room and cry it out.

February 21, 2017

February 23, 2017 (A Film Unfinished)

Before coming to class I read the articles that were sent out, and it really got me going. “silence is more powerful than any attempt to tell the story” - through her silence she chose to live. The short films and more real/documentary type films have helped me to better understand the Holocaust, but the fact that we have been doing a little bit of everything is what has helped the most! Being able to compare and contrast all the different film types has helped me grasp it better. Going from a fiction to a documentary, or play, I just feel like there is always so much to learn and so little time, but at the same time, this class was so nicely structured that I feel more informed. With that being said, I have noticed how my mood changes as soon as I walk into class, I do not think it is necessarily a bad thing, but I kind of shut down and just hear the information, and at the end of my day, in the comfort of my food and blank I allow myself to deeply think of what I just have learned. Some things do sink in during class, but if I truly allowed myself to let everything we discuss sink in, I would just walk out of class. In that moment when the survivor said that ‘now I can allow myself to cry”, I think the wind was knocked out of my lungs for a little, because I know what that feels like. I felt selfish even trying to compare my feeling with hers, because mine has not come from witnessing mass murders, and witnessing such horrific things, but from something less severe, but I could relate, but who was I to even try to relate the two? Focusing on the survivors was tough, actually tough is an understatement. Watching the films, I felt anger, how something could be so misleading; but watching the survivors watch the same scenes that I did was heartbreaking. I know how it happened, but I can’t help but ask myself, how? Every time I close my eyes I can picture that woman staring, and seeing that she was there, that is her story, that was her shame, her fears, and it is exposed to the whole world to see, and she can’t hide. Everything that makes her her is on a screen and anyone can watch it. But in that moment, all that was forgotten and she was part of that film, she was back in that place that she tried so hard to leave. And here I am, a college student sitting back and watching all this, how can I just go back to my next class, and living in a society that people around my age care about phones, and parties, and whatever bullshit distractions we call ‘fun’, how can I just sit back and enjoy it, when there is so much injustice going on? AM I crazy to think that? Am I ungrateful for not appreciating what I have because I always think of what other people don’t? If she can go back to this ‘reality’ of a society, I sure as heck can go back to my ‘Chicago’, ‘college’ student life of mine.

February 28, 2017 (Son of Sal)

ABSENT

March 2, 2017 (The Play)

We started off talking about children, and how to implement a seed in children. What is the best way to approach this, and how do we teach our kids about the Holocaust without scaring them? I have only taken a couple of psychology classes, and one philosophy education class, so I am not an expert. I do know though that with children they comprehend and view the world in such a different way. Even if we did try to explain to them how things happened, we do not want to scar them and scare them off. But we do want them to understand and plant that seed so that they are open and have been exposed to the idea of it.

These bodies are so toned, oh my goodness! Although I am trying to focus on what their bodies are trying to convey I can’t help but admire their bodies oh my goodness they are so perfect! Imagine how much work is put into that! Dancing is so interesting to me, I often put myself in their positions and imagine I am the one dancing and then think to myself what it is that I am trying to say with my body. Especially because I think I am not really good or kind of awkward, so it is very entertaining to see people that have mastered it.

March 7, 2017 (God on Trial)

I don’t even know where to begin… Do I believe in God? Yes. Is he responsible for this though? I am not sure. The blame was put on him, because so many people seemed him in a time of need. But what if at the same time that people were being attacked and killed by Hitler’s being, God too had his hands tied behind his back? Off course God is supposed to be the ‘smarter’ one, and he is supposed to be, in a sense better than us mere mortals, but what if that is not the case? What if we needed to learn that although we had progressed so much, there is still more to fix and that by choosing to be racist and not seek God that is exactly what will become of us. If there was no God, then it would have taken longer, and more people would have died, but also if there was a God, this would not have happened in the first place. Can I believe in both? Technically God did not do this, Hitler and Hitler believers did, but then maybe God was just watching… or maybe not. I do not know this topic is so heavy, I think my head is going to explode from all this thinking.

When we discussed the topic with our partner, it was really nice to hear someone else’s opinion and own inputs, because this was a guy that did not always share with the class, and forgot he even sat next to me, so it was nice to know that even thought not everyone participates they aren’t just sleeping and daydreaming in the corner, but who knows maybe he was. He did make some valid points because he believed that God was not behind it. He did not think that God would be behind such a thing, and who were we to try to interpret what God is trying to do. I did not think about it that way, and even though I see what he is saying, I feel like this is such a touchy subject since I too am religious and am basically questioning everything that I grew up with.

March 9, 2017

LAST DAY OF CLASS! I thought I was going to be happy to have it end, but this is one of my favorites classes and I’m actually sad that is ending. This class made me see things in such a different perspective, and although it was hard to swallow, this class made me believe in the education system. I have had good professors before, but never one that just knew so much about what he is teaching, and openly admit that he tries to know everything about it as much as she can. This is definitely a different class, and although it is not an easy A I am more than content with the results. It is funny, because I think I participated more this day than I did the entire class, kind of. I am also going to openly admit, I was not paying as much attention in this class because I was stressing about my Arabic quiz for next class, and this girl in front of me was coloring, and I felt so rude, not enough to stop though, and now that I’m looking back it just stresses me out, but I just wanted to say it because I know you are probably reading this part and noticing that this was true, or if you did not even know I was going over my flashcards well shoot I just gave myself away. This is a class I am always going to think about, and not even in a bad way, the way I think about my other classes. And since I live right next door I am going to constantly walk past the classroom. I am on my way to New York sitting in the plane typing this, and the sun is shining and it makes me wonder what it must be like to have been a survivor. I have cried watching these films, and have felt deep sorrow for these people, but I will never experience what they had to go through, so I know that I could never understand what it is like, I mean can anyone other than the survivors ever know? How weird is that, no matter how many movies I watch and how many documentaries I watch I could never get close enough to know that feeling; to know what it must feel like to have everything I have ever know taken away from me.