“Right so this all started one Boys Weekend. We had driven across Cape Cod until we arrived at my granny’s house somewhere in Dennis. The five of us- Chet, Chaz, Bryce, Brock and I- we only wanted to get wasted, and like we hoped the rest of the weekend would take shape around that, you know?

“So like Friday night went off without a problem; some pregame drinks at Granny’s, some manly drinks at the Improper Bostonian, and then those fun blue drinks at the sketchiest Chinese place in the world. I think we lost Chet and Chaz back at the Improper Bostonian, but the last we saw them, they were with some mega hot babes, so Bryce, Brock, and I were like, ‘Yo, let’s leave them be’. We went back to Granny’s at like 2 am, and passed out on her saran wrapped couches.

“Gran made some dope blueberry muffins, right, and we ate those to fuel up. We went to the beach, played a little volley… you know, like volleyball. Had some Coronas, met some bitches, invited them to drinks with us later, great day, really."

“Right so you’re looking for what happened Saturday night. So we looked real fly going out, heading back to the Improper Bostonian. This where things started to go wrong. So like Brock is a big guy, and he’s also like a big drinker. That night he got hammered, right, and he started talking to one of the babes from the beach. But apparently, this other guy at the bar was her boyfriend. Crazy right? So I guess she had invited him, which was hella uncool, and so Brock, the great guy, is just talking to her. Maybe flirting a little, nothing huge like asking her to marry him or something.

“This guy, her boyfriend, this dude doesn’t want Brock anywhere near his girl. But Brock doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong so he’s like looking at this guy and just says, ‘No’. And we’re his wingmen, right, but we’re all scared shitless, especially Chet who does not do well under pressure. Like this dude it really big, bigger than Brock, and he’s angry? Nah, no thanks.

“Whatever, so we’re like ‘Yo we’re not waiting to see what kinda shit goes down here’. We grabbed Brock and told the dude, ‘K, night’ but the dude was not okay with that and neither was Brock. He’s like struggling and it takes all of us to get him out of the bar, but then the dude starts following us! This is where the shit starts to go down.

“So this dude gets in his car and we’re all like, ‘fuck’. Chet’s crying at this point because he does not do well with pressure and Bryce is screaming at him, calling him a little bitch and- Oh, right.

“So we’re walking home because it’s like nothing to Granny’s house, but we’re like power walking away because we’re worried about this bar dude. He’s in his car, right, but his girl came out and she’s probably like, ‘Oh nooooo please don’t do anything nooooooo’, and she’s distracting him but we’re still not wasting any time, and so we lose him real quick…. OR SO WE THOUGHT!

“We get to Granny’s house and we are a mess: Chet took his shirt off to dry his tears, Brock is fucking fuming with his arms crossed like a little kid, Chaz can barely walk he’s so drunk, and Bryce took a beer from the bar and is mumbling angrily to it. Me? Oh, I ran inside to prep Granny while the boys were cooling down outside, but I couldn’t find her. I was like, ‘Yo Gran?’ and Bryce was like, ‘She’s out here, bro’. She’s walking around from the back, yelling at us like ‘wahhhh come in from the driveway, come into the yard wahhhh’, and her friend is with her- yes this is important, okay?

“So her friend, Patrice, is on the lawn and Granny is at the head of the driveway, trying to physically push the boys back into the yard, and we see this car fucking barreling down the street. The brights are on, right, so none of us can see a damn thing, but all of a sudden we hear this crash and then the car is fucking gone.

“Now this is where shit hits the fan, okay? Because Brock looks down the street and goes, ‘Yo that’s the bar dude’s car!!!’ and we’re all like ‘What????????’ Then Patrice starts shouting and that’s when we realize Granny is on the ground.

“So Chet starts crying again like, ‘Waaahhhh Grandma is dead wahhhhh’ but the rest of us are just silent. I mean Bryce’s beer dropped out of his hand, but that was it. Then, this is the craziest bit, Patrice wastes no fucking time. She like gets on the ground and is like ‘Yeah, she’s dead’, and then she says ‘Brayden, Bryce, go to the shed and grab all the shovels and that rake.’ And we’re like ‘what the fuck?’ but we do it. Like this is probably illegal, but Patrice was so sure so we’re like okay.

“We get back to the front yard and both Patrice and Chaz are yelling at Chet like, ‘What the fuck, Chet???? Pull your shit together!’ But Chet’s shit is all gone. I hand him the rake thinking, you know, he’ll just pull the dirt back over nicely after we bury her. But he just takes the rake and fucking runs. Chet literally does not know how to handle pressure. He ends up like somewhere up the street, I don’t even know.

“Right so we all pause for a second after that, but Patrice just picks up the hose and starts watering this spot on the ground, making it all soft and stuff- no, Officer. At the time I didn’t question any of this. Like, I said ‘This is probably illegal’ to Bryce, but we didn’t have any alternative… Sir. Yes I mean I was sad like this was my grandmother, but like…. I was just so drunk. Sir.

“Right yeah so we’re like frozen for a minute and Patrice is just like, ‘What the fuck are you boys waiting for?’ And so we just buried my grandma in her front yard. Wait…. So is this whole thing is to catch Patrice? Like she’s your suspect? No, no, I mean like yeah I get that and what she did was shitty, you know, like burying her best friend and all. But don’t you think it was kinda the bar dude’s fault? I don’t know man, I would put this on him. Like he was a real dick to my boy, Brock. But yeah, no yeah that’s just me.”