Hey,

It’s been a while since our souls have connected. We see each other around every now and then, but it’s not the same. Nowhere close. Short, sporadic “How are you doing” 30-second conversations, and then we’re off, back to our own worlds without each other. I’m not sure if you’re too “busy” to have paid attention to the fact that I’m not reaching out as much anymore, that you’re no longer a person in my everyday life. But I am completely aware. And if you’re wondering, yes it’s intentional.

I didn’t want to say goodbye, I didn’t. For the longest time, I gave you all of my heart. I let our friendship drag on way longer than it should have, me constantly rowing the boat, pushing the oars against the waves in the hot sun, while you laid back enjoying the warm breeze, joining in whenever you felt like it.

I told myself I enjoyed your company. And I did. I really and truly did, especially in the beginning. You were there, you were present. It was fun. But slowly, you faded. And then so did I.

Didn’t you know? How could you not see? That I was getting tired, exhausted? That I couldn’t put 100% effort into rowing the boat by myself?

And now, I’ve reached shore and recognized that having you in my life has been more toxic than healthy. You crafting space for me as a lower priority, watching me carry the boat to and from shore, the physical burden not as harmful or damaging so much as the emotional one. The worst part is that I let you come back and break my heart over and over whenever you felt like it. I realized I was loving you with all my heart when you weren’t even willing to give me half of yours.

I recall our conversation that one day, me telling you over and over again how I needed your effort in this boat, and you saying you were sorry and that you’d try harder. And me, believing in you, that you could change. Me, accepting your apologies and excuses because I thought having you there even just a little was better than not having you there at all.

Now, this is me on the dock, watching the sun rise as a new beginning comes forward. This is me forging my own path, prioritizing my own mental health, and realizing I need to keep my space from you. Me, learning to heal without you. Knowing that I’m strong enough to row my own boat, that I can be alive and thrive on my own.

I hope this isn’t goodbye forever, but I can’t and I won’t make any promises. I can’t predict the future, but I know that I can’t continue having the same relationship with you that we had before. Maybe in a year’s time, I’ll have changed and you’ll still be the same. Or, maybe you’ll be different and I’ll be different, and our paths will once again find each other. And maybe we’ll find that same beauty in each other’s company that we had in the very beginning.

But we’re not in the future yet. I’m here, and you’re there.

And this is me: taking the oars and jumping back into the boat. Learning to enjoy the waves once again.