“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
This year sure as hell was.
I miss you. I miss how simple it was, how simple we were. When the road trip and tattoos weren’t delusions, when we told stories to each other about a boy and a girl. How (I’d like to believe) we were the best versions of ourselves.
Day and nightfall, the earth is in perpetual rotation on its axis and relationships evolve. These things are certain. I wish the high that was sophomore year could have been there forever. Maybe it could have if I hadn’t continued to reach for answers you didn’t want to give, or I had been more cognizant of when your demons were at their worst.
I can’t focus on the what-ifs or the how-comes. Because they obstruct a wonderful past and present. Some of my greatest memories are with you. Walking by Yellow Lake on hot days, putting up my stars together, watching you schmooze the hell out of everyone after school plays, pushing Boas and Paananen to their wits’ ends.
You were the first of anyone I have ever known that made me want to live life boldly. I saw in you someone who not only wanted to see the world, but embrace it and challenge it. You have the potential to change lives. You changed mine. Your charisma, steadfastness in your beliefs, loyalty, humor and ultimately, your heart, are profound and unique entities. Don’t argue you don’t have a heart. Behind the morbidity and stoicism and beautiful innuendos of yours, you have a genuineness that surpasses most others.
Life, in spite of its hypocrisies and corruption and injustices, is pretty damn good.
I’d know. I’ve been lucky enough to share it with you.
Continue to seek a life in the mob, play the ukulele, mock Gleb incessantly, wake up at ungodly hours, drink tamarind soda, watch anime, despise Girl Scouts and the French, draw and convince me that Facetime is a good idea. Most importantly, pursue what makes you happy and revel in it, you deserve nothing less. I will care for you deeply, always.