Every day, I feel like a very incompetent person,
So bad at my job that I deserve to be fired.
Yes, I have tough and very traumatized kids, but my classroom management is abysmal.
Sometimes I can't even teach anything on a given day because my kids are running around the room and fighting each other.

I try. I do my best to stop it. But it sometimes seems like nothing works.
This is how it feels to be incompetent.

I drive home every day feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders,
So asleep I might fall asleep at the wheel.
I try to put the blame on the fact that maybe it's the kids, maybe it's my bosses.
But it's me, and I'm the one who couldn't get it together. I'm the one who failed. I'm the one who's incompetent.

Am I even cut out for this, I ask?
Yes, I show up every day. Yes, I care. Yes, I try very, very hard.
But what's the use of all that if you're not good at your job?
And what's the use of all that if your job is as important as a teacher in the inner-city?

I ask the people around me whether this is normal. I observe other classes to see what I can do better.
I care a lot about my kids. I'm trying so hard.
So why am I still so bad at my job?

I wonder if I should get a therapist.
A couple of friends have told me that their first year, they had nightmares and horror stories,
A year that never got better. Only with more experience did they improve -- the learning curve was just that insurmountable as a beginner teacher.

Right now, thought, I only have solace that God is still God and life will go on.
I have solace in the fact that I do need a therapist, and I've been very behind on getting one.

I feel every day like I'm sinking in quicksand, and no matter what I do to get better and climb out of it, a rock is thrown in my direction, the hole gets deeper, and the force of gravity just gets stronger and stronger.
What if I just give up? What if I just see the other side?
I don't mean that like just giving up, but just to try other things and try to get past my present moment of doing too much and trying at tasks that don't help my students learn.

I have students who tell me their other teachers are better and curse me out, who ask me why I don't just quit already when my job is so miserable.
I tell them that those answers and responses are precisely why I stay, why I don't give up.

I know I'm incompetent. I know I'm not the best -- but I know that this is God testing me and making me stronger, as a teacher, person, and Christian.
This is how it feels to be incompetent, and this is why even though I feel that way, I will never, ever give up on my kids.