Just fill in the blanks and get ready for a zany career at the hippest startup in town.

To whom it may concern: Bob. (I creeped on your LinkedIn page for job research, so I’m already displaying “attention to detail,” Bob, I’m doing it live, right now in this letter, Bob). Now, let’s have some fun:

My name is ____(first)_____ “Win-by-2” ____(last)_____. I was absolutely STOKED to find that ___(company)______ is looking for a ____(job title)_______. They call me “Win-by-2” because I’m an amazing left-handed ping pong player, and you’re gonna love my banana costume on Thursdays and Tuesdays. Haha?

I would lie to you and tell you that I fall SHORT of the impossible needs of the job description, but I couldn’t live with myself. I’m GLAD your team has ridiculous expectations, because I do too. I have no idea if I’ll even want to meet you. Kidding Bob, high five!

Real talk: I’m f*cking PERFECT for this gig. What’s the job title again? (Kidding, Bob, you’re gonna have to lighten up if I’m gonna be hitting on you every day. KIDDING AGAIN, Bob, why would I say that sincerely?)

Your needs for this position align perfectly with my experience and educational background, because I have a bachelor’s degree in engineering and Business Intuition Services CRUSHING Financial Strategies and MURDERING Software Solutions Efficiencies. My MBA is in Enterprise Infrastructure Communications. I have eight to 10 years of proven track record in the SaaS Public Relations B2B Customer Vertical Market. I’m 22 years old, and I’m already an alcoholic, I meant workaholic. Another joke, Bob! Please keep up.

Aside from my experience, I do have to get serious here, and tell you how deeply I connected with the mission statement on your site. Because ________(copy and paste the “about” page here)________ was my first mission statement too! I was five years old when I “started up” my first business: Networking and Data-Driven Financial Dominance.

Explain this to me, Bob: If I’m not proven in my “excellent communication, with the ability to manage multiple complex international projects successfully under a strict deadline, and feel confident negotiating with C-level executives in ALL areas/languages of International Business Ideologies,” then how would I have nearly zero felonies? Let’s just say I know how to plan an exit strategy... Joking? Of course I am Bob, [fist bump].

Let’s just say I’m inclined to take risks outside of the box. You don’t want candidates who think independently but work well with others, huh, Bob? That’s f*cking rhetorical, Bob. You do want that in a new employee.

I would love to work for your company, because the job market sucks, Bob. I just want you guys to look past my resume, because it’s full of embellishment, which I chalked up to “Doing what it takes to get the job (done).

Full disclosure: I’m sick, Bob. Not the slang “sick” but the physical kind of “sick.” Doctors think I’ll die within the year if I don’t find a happy work environment, and now you’re kind of legally responsible to hire me.

Real full disclosure: I’m not sick at all, Bob. My body is not deteriorating, but I promise to hurt myself if I don’t at least get a face-to-face interview to show you how fun and efficient I can be. Just...please. Please consider me?

True full disclosure: This is actually a template cover letter I got from Anthony Ellison. I just filled in a bunch of placeholders and it aligned perfectly! He’s the real hero here. His email is anthjoyy8@gmail.com -- make sure to sign up for his email distribution list, where he gives you advice about being a better person.

I hope you had as much fun as I did!

Take care, Bob.