I have spent the last six months crying over a breakup.
I broke up with the guy. He cheated on me, so I had to. The choice I made, though, did not take away the hurt. I have cried over that boy nearly every day since I lost him. I cried because I knew God spoke to me about our relationship and led me into it, but heartbreak remained an inevitability. Even six months later, I remain confident that God spoke to me and I know He's going to come through. I've decided, though, that this breakup no longer gets to rule over me.
I've cried far too long and hard about this. I've left work at lunch and cried until I had to park my car in a random lot because I was sobbing too hard to drive. I have ached and hurt over this scenario far too much.
Today, though, I've decided that I'm done.
I'm done hurting over a boy who cheated on me. I will always love him and want the best for him. I will always wish him success. I will always love his family. Forgiveness is always available if he has the courage to man up and ask me for it to my face. I will no longer wait for him, though, like a dog waits for their owner to return home – desperate for reconciliation and reunion. I have better things to do with my time.
I'm beautiful and I'm smart. It might take a little while for me to convince myself of that again, and to stop only seeing my own inadequacies, but I owe it to myself to restore my self-confidence. I have some pretty amazing job opportunities. I'm in the middle of writing my second novel, and I have three agents who are interested in reading it when it's ready. I have so much going for me, and I refuse to waste all of my opportunities crying over a boy who didn't love me enough to be faithful. He has his own issues. I hope the best for him. I hope he finds joy and peace, and he is able to make things right between him and God. I'll always pray for him, but I'm done wasting my tears on him. I've got a thousand gifts that I'm squandering crying over the memory of him.
Shania Twain has a new song called "Life's About To Get Good." In it, she chronicles her own ways of coping with the breakup she experienced with her husband of fifteen years who cheated on her with her best friend. While I know the pain I'm having over a breakup cannot even begin to compare to the pain of a woman who has been betrayed by her husband, I can relate on a smaller scale. "I wasn't just broken, I was shattered...I trusted you so much, you're all that mattered," Shania sings, detailing the affections she felt for the man who betrayed her. Boy, have I been there. My ex was my first real, true love and my first kiss. I deeply adored him and breaking up with him shattered me in ways I did not realize I was breakable.
Later in the song, however, Shania shares on the healing process, "It took me so long to be strong, but I'm alive and I hold on to what I can feel...it hurts to heal." It does. It hurts to heal like knives in your chest hurt to be pulled out. It feels like you're never going to be okay again--like there will never be another person who you could possibly love the way you loved the one who hurt you so badly. Maybe that's true. Six months have passed and I cannot even comprehend the idea of being with anyone else. Despite my feelings towards him, I owe it to myself to live life to its fullest and emotionally move on for the sake of my own health.
Maybe he'll come back and make things right. That door is still open. I'm just not going to wait by it anymore. I have other things that I need to do. I owe myself happiness again. I've got to get out from under his shadow and stop being haunted by him. I'm going to start dressing up again. I'm going to go out and make some friends. I'm going to de-alienate myself from society. I'm going to laugh more than I cry. I'm going to have a glass of wine because I love it, not a whole bottle in a desperate attempt to drink the pain away. I'm going to visit my college friends and go dancing like we all used to. I'm not going to hurt anymore. Not over him. Not over this.
Maybe in another six months, I'll even be ready to date again. Maybe not. Either way, it's going to be ok.
I'll never not love him. But I'm choosing to love myself more.
I'm going to make this breakup my b*tch. For me.