I swear to shit my upstairs neighbors are the loudest people on earth. In my college career, I have moved 9 times and have ALWAYS had neighbors and never once have I been able to hear them until now.

These obnoxious guys (who I am pretty sure are the only fratty guys who attend Western Washington University, the school consisting of 90s grunge-lovers) don't understand that there are other ways of getting around the apartment without stomping.

In their defense, they did give us their numbers if they are too loud but only after we complained to the landlord and they got a fine. If we called them every time they were too loud, our phone bill would be extraordinarily expensive.

I have several theories about what in the hell they are doing up there that is so loud.

1. Training elephants.

2. Bowling.

3. Hosting a rave.

4. Filming a hardcore porno.

5. Tap dancing.

6. Remodeling.

7. Jumping on a pogo stick.

8. Playing on an 18-piece drum set.

9. Having a jumping jack competition with the neighborhood kids.

10. Stomping on bubble wrap.

11. Moving furniture at odd hours in the night.

12. Hosting the entire university in their living room.

13. Having screaming matches.

14. And tickle fights.

15. Rekindling their bromance through very loud wrestling sessions.

16. Rekindling their bromance through very loud orgies.

17. Reenacting UFC fights.

18. Vaulting horses.

19. Skipping boulders.

20. Reenacting "High School Musical."

21. Channeling their inner Dead Mau5.

22. Vacuuming pebbles.

23. Jackhammering.

24. Giving birth.

25. Installing an earthquake simulator.

26. Using the earthquake simulator.

27. Yodeling.

28. Training for Zombie Apocalypse.

29. Building an American Ninja Warrior course.

30. Using the ANW course at 3 a.m.

31. Riding motorcycles.

32. Getting really good at Double Dutch.

33. Wrestling John Cena.

34. Playing football with the Green Bay Packers.

35. Practicing a capella with the Green Bay Packers.

36. Learning acrobatic tricks.

37. Teaching a bear to balance on a ball.

38. Running from said bear.

39. Hosting a carnival with that same bear.

40. Doing burpees with a seventh-grade gym class.

41. Dribbling with the cast of "Hoosiers."

42. Moving cement blocks.

43. Hosting marching band practice in their living room.

44. Releasing Thing 1 and Thing 2 to wreak havoc on their home.

45. Fight Club.

46. Reenacting the Civil War.

47. Sword fighting with Johnny Depp.

48. Working on their impression of whales.

49. Choreographing a flash mob.

50. Creating a home night club.

51. Playing rugby.

52. Sumo wrestling.

53. Practicing round offs.

54. Lighting pirate canons.

55. Building roller coasters.

56. Screaming like wimps on roller coasters.

57. Trying out their new "Steel Shoes of the Month Club" boots.

58. Tractor racing.

59. Hiding dinosaurs from the general public.

60. Playing with Demogorgons.

61. Hanging out with the cast of "Step Up."

62. Jumping on 1,000 trampolines.

63. Rollerblading.

64. Playing Jumanji.

65. Doing car crash tests.

66. Hosting a scare factory.

67. Trying out cement moon shoes.