My first experience with true overwhelming grief came in 6th grade when my Opa (grandpa in Dutch) passed away suddenly. This wasn’t the first death in the family that I experience, but this one hit me harder because this was the first death of someone that was very involved in my life.
I have since realized that I was still too young to fully comprehend it all, but it hurt nonetheless. From what I can remember, I could grasp the idea that he was gone, but it was hard for me to fully realize it. I missed him so much. I missed his big hugs, I missed his laugh, and I missed his loud voice carrying across the room. His loss hurt more than any pain I had experienced before, physical or emotional. His loss still hurts, but the pain has slowly been replaced by fond memories and thankfulness for the time I did have.
Since that time, I lost other people in my life, but I didn’t feel that same degree of emotional pain until my grandma passed away after a short battle with cancer. Her passing has conjured emotions I had not felt since my Opa’s passing. And this time was a little different. I am now older and more able to fully comprehend what death means.
Since the loss of my grandma, I have been struggling with the idea that she will not be there for some of the most important days of my life. This thought has kept me awake on more than one night. When I imagine these days of what will be joy and happiness, I am now confronted with the fact that there will always be the feeling that someone is missing. It hurts so much to think about what a wonderful person my family has lost.
I first approached the grieving process with much the same way that I approach other things in my life: with careful planning and deliberation. I tried to reason that if I did certain things I could grieve faster and get back to normal life. But I soon came to realize that I was horribly wrong. The loss of a loved one is not simply something to get over and the tough reality is that it will always hurt knowing that they aren’t there. Sure, the pain isn’t as sharp as time goes on, but there will always be a certain amount of sadness.
Grief is not something that you can take logical steps to get it over with. It is a process that takes time and patience. Someday I will be able to go a day without crying. Someday I will be able to look at a picture of her without having my heart drop. And someday I’ll be able to talk about her loss without feeling like I will burst into tears at any moment. But like I’ve learned from losses in the past, this all takes time.
I have also come to realize that there will never again be the old normal. There will be a new normal for me, my family, and the many other people my grandma touched. But for me, I’m hoping my new normal can be something she would be proud of. Hopefully my new normal can be filled with more joy and kindness, much like hers was. Hopefully my new normal can be an example of a Godly woman in everything I do rather than only when everything was going somewhat smoothly. And hopefully my new normal can be a reflection of the love that I saw shine through my grandma every day.