Today, I went to counseling for the very first time. I've struggled with anxiety and depressive tendencies for a few years. I've been thinking about seeking help for over a year now, but today I finally got the courage to go. It took a few days of talking to some close friends with similar mental health issues, and a lot of courage to finally take that walk across campus and get a consultation (it was a walk in appointment, but for the first one they just like to get an idea of what's going on and if counseling may help your situation).

As I sat in the waiting room, after filling out the LONGEST questionnaire I have ever had to go through, I contemplated leaving before they called my name. It felt like ages waiting to get called, but at the same time it felt like seconds. I was terrified. I know my past, I know a list of things I'm still holding onto and how deeply I have compressed my thoughts/ emotions and how I have tried to run away. In the moment, the only thing I wanted to do was continue running, but I knew it was finally time to slow down, take a seat, and unpack my bags.

Going into this appointment, I wanted to hold things in. I wanted to keep things to myself, so that we couldn't dive deeper into them and digest my past. I didn't want to go there, but within just a few minutes, I realized that that's exactly why I was at counseling in the first place, and if I didn't bring up what I don't want to talk about/ remember/ acknowledge then I was simply wasting my time, and taking time away from others who also need help.

It's insane to think that with only a 20 minute session, I realized how much I needed to be there. I realized how deeply I was holding onto things I thought were far behind me, on top of what I already knew I was holding onto. I also realized why I finally got the courage to seek help; and believe it or not, it's because I'm finally actually truly happy with where my life is, and presumably where my life is going.

I realized that I'm so happy with where I'm at in several aspects of my life and that I cannot move forward and grow into who I am supposed to be if I don't find a way to let go of my past and the things that have happened to me; and I can't do that on my own. I need professional help to guide me in the right direction, and see what I'm looking directly at, but not truly seeing.

If you ever feel like you might need therapy or counseling, GO! There is no harm in talking to someone and seeing if you may benefit from having a safe space to talk out your emotions or maybe even find out if there is something affecting you on a deeper level than you can realize on your own.