Let me be upfront with you. I’ve always been single. Yep, all 20 years of my life I have been a free agent. And at times I love that and am empowered by it, while at other times I feel ashamed and frustrated by it. But I had a very powerful thought recently: what if I decided to be single for the rest of the year? I know it doesn’t seem like much, considering I’m always single, but hear me out.
I was reading an article by Cosmopolitan on "Sex and London City" blogger Nixalina Watson, who is giving up sex for a year. This is relevant because her blog is mostly about sex and love, much like the famous fictional writer Carrie Bradshaw. The article discusses how Watson is giving up sex for a year to try and find the love of her life without sex clouding the connection.
As I read this article, I realized that at no point had I actively decided to be single. I had always felt it was, more or less, circumstantial. I have had opportunities with guys in the past, but admittedly they were few and far-between. Part of it is that I have never put myself out there; I always just expected a relationship to fall into my lap like it does in the movies. But that’s not really how it works, is it?
So I’ve made a decision. For the rest of this year, at least, I want to be single. Whoa, crazy. A girl actually saying she would like to be single. But it’s true. I like college a lot more being single. And sure, I’ll still be self-conscious about the fact that I have never had a boyfriend, or even my first kiss, but to be totally honest, it’s only something I’m self-conscious about when I’m talking to friends who have been there and done that. When I’m on my own, I’m totally happy with it just being me. It’s only around friends and family that I feel weird about it.
But I’m proud of being single right now. For one, because it gives me time to plan a life for myself without someone else’s influence. Plus, it means I’m not settling for just any guy I happen to meet. I know that I have a lot to offer someone when the time is right, but I also know that I’m not ready to do that yet. Like an artwork by Van Gogh, I know I will get better with time. Right now, I’m just starting my life. I have little life experience and am just starting to truly know myself as an independent adult. So my work of art is relatively blank. As I go, I know much more color will be added to my canvas, both dark and light. And with that color, I will come to better understand how to love both myself and others. So I’m willing to give it time and just be single for now.
I do want to find a romantic love in my life. But I’m okay if doesn't happen right now. I’m a big believer in timing and things happening when they should. For right now, I’m in a season of self-love and understanding that I need to go through alone. It won’t be easy, especially seeing many of my friends, and even my little sister, all coupled up, but I know this is what’s best for me. As much as I dream of falling in love, a year off from worrying about when that's going to happen for me in order to just focus on myself sounds like a dream.