The journey of a thousand miles may begin with a single step, but nobody ever tells you how big of a step you need to take. And when it comes to writing, something else nobody tells you is that you sometimes have to take a step backwards or sideways or take a long winding curve along the back roads through swamps and prickly thorn bushes. So that’s why I decided to help my fellow travelers out and provide a clear, step-by-step process to writing a paper.

1. Get the assignment.

2. Choose a book.

3. Read with a passionate and open mind.

4. Spend time by yourself doing something you love to unwind.

5. Think about the book critically.

6. Brainstorm.

7. Have unrealistic expectations for how quickly you can write this essay.

8. Come up with a mind-blowing argument to build your paper around.

9. Begin writing.

10. Procrastinate (this will be the most time-consuming step).

11. Forget everything and repeat steps five through ten.

12. Have a flash of brilliance that lasts three seconds.

13. Write your body paragraphs in which you explain your points.

14. After multiple drafts, accept your fate.

15. Have a friend review your paper.

16. Edit your paper and avoid the feeling of impending doom.

17. Sell your soul to the devil.

18. Realize it’s 11 am and the paper is due at noon.

19. Congratulations! You finished!

20. Receive the grade.