I hope you know it wasn't always this way or maybe it was and I never cared enough about myself or what I deserve to notice.
All I know now is that as much as it breaks my heart I have come to the conclusion that when you're not around I'm at peace.
When you are near, you make me crazy. You make me question my worth, you underestimate my value by depreciating everything I am and everything I have worked so hard for. The close proximity of our hearts collide into reckless abandonment.
Whenever we speak tensions are never low, pride and insecurities are high and no matter what comes up in our time together, tears will always fall down.
On my own I am at my best, when I am alone there is no one that can hurt me. On my own, I am no longer a pawn in your poorly played game.
I hope you know I miss what should have been and what we should be. I miss being someone you truly cared for, unlike the sacrifice I have become so you may save face. I wonder what happened or what changed to go from normalcy to me becoming one of your defense mechanisms.
You say you love me, but you've never actually fought for me. Instead, you fought your wars using me. I was your shield and sword. Blocking you from harm and slaying the dragons that you pointed out. If only I knew then that dragons sometimes can be the ones that tuck you in at night.
Because of you, I have this huge wall built up again the world so I don't get hurt when all along it was never the world hurting me, it was always you. I was just too blinded by the idea of how our relationship should be that I missed how insufficiently I was treated all along.
So here we are, polar opposites that once upon a time strived so hard to be similar. You can say I'm selfish, call me crazy, you can even remind me for the millionth time that I'm to blame and once again you, bless your heart, did nothing wrong.
So here's to you, the greatest magician of them all, you fooled me for the last time. Listen very carefully, this is the stuff kids dream of. This is what being an adult is all about, doing whatever (legally) makes you happy, even if it means saying goodbye to the people you love the most.
I don't have to be your friend and you don't have to love me. I can remove you from the speed dial, unfollow you on social media and I bet it will be a hot minute before you even notice. Especially considering you only ever reach out when you need something or in some cases need someone to tear down.
It's a crime that I am that I am your easy target, you know me and the buttons you can push. You know my heart and what hurts it. You shame me and guilt me for all the things I have done to better myself instead of lifting me up and being proud of the person I have become.
You will probably never understand the pain and agony it brings me to no longer wish to be a part of your life, I don't want it to end this way, but I can't and won't let you keep degrading me, putting me in the dirt, and making me believe that everything bad that has happened to you was somehow my fault.
I still wish you all the best and I hope maybe one day things will change but for now, I must do this for me and last time I checked, you believe a life without me "is fine."