I find myself sitting in another cold, sterile waiting room with the noise machine plugged in a corner ever so discreetly to keep you from hearing things you might not want to. I look around at the faces I see and to be perfectly honest was completely critical of every one of them. I wanted to know what brought them to the same place as me. Hell, I wonder what really got me to the place I was at. I had become accustomed to waiting rooms like this one, every therapist office is basically the same, and I had been to many over the years. If you ever have been there, you know exactly what I mean and you can feel the shifty eyes of strangers glancing at you wondering what your story is too.

Yet there I was, alone, waiting to start over. Waiting to retell my story to a complete stranger who spent many years in school, took out thousands of dollars in loans just to get a degree to say they could help me. I didn't need another stranger staring at me with pity eyes as I opened up. I "knew" better, I had been through therapy to help with depression and self harm. I "knew" how to cope, I "knew" I wasn't really sick.....I thought I knew everything.

"You must be Jennifer, it's so nice to meet you, please come on back to my office." Words I had been used to hearing pierced through my train of thought and brought me back to reality. I followed the short, gray haired woman back to her office and began taking it all in. The zen garden on her desk with little plants next to sand and the rake in the sand that had traced out waved lines, the degrees she achieved over the years carefully hung in smooth solid black frames, the handmade artwork that looks like she is possibly the painter of, and the bookcase in the corner with books that were made to classify any problems I was about to tell her. "What brings you in today, my dear?" she asks. Words again pulling me back to the conversation I now faced.

"Well, I was hospitalized on and off for the past month and finally was told by doctors at Cleveland Clinics main campus that everything that was happening to me is all anxiety driven. They said I needed to seek out help and recommended this mood disorder intensive outpatient program." Her eyes showed me I had to go into more detail for her so I continued.

"I had been hospitalized with severe neurological symptoms that the doctors were completely puzzled by. I was losing feeling in my hands and occasionally it went up my whole right arm. I had lost my peripheral vision for a solid day, and I had horrible persistent headaches. At one point I began feeling numbness in my legs and had to use a walker to get around my hospital room until it got so hard to move. I just laid in my hospital bed all day. I would go through periods of having a fever over 102 degrees to periods of being so cold to the touch," I said. I couldn't tell her how many MRI's and CT scans I had or how many tubes of blood were taken from my arms at all hours of the day and night because I lost track. I told her how the spinal tap I had done then caused my spinal fluid to leak into my body and make my headache feel like my brain had exploded until they finally did a blood patch procedure.

I told her my physical symptoms were real and doctors predicted and ruled out several very serious and scary things. I had felt like a medical mystery. I had never felt more afraid of the unknown. I told her I felt like the doctors were joking when they finally transferred me to main campus downtown and just sat down and asked me what was going on in my life. I told them the short version just recapping the big stuff. They said their conclusion was I have severe anxiety that I have been suppressing and ignoring so it took physical forms. "That happens?" I asked with tears slowly tracing their way down my exhausted face.

"It's not common that it is this extreme, but yes it happens. All of your physical symptoms were very real, but we believe its rooted in anxiety." I just looked away and let the tears keep strolling down my face, tears I haven't experienced in months because I was too strong for them. My levee broke open and I just cried for a while before admitting that they might be right and I needed help.

"You came to the right place, sweetie. We are here to help." The women's voice was like a blanket wrapping me in warmth as I realize I'm once again crying. I can't help but cry as I relived the last month as I spoke to the woman now sitting in front of me. And I did. I did go to the right place. I spent the next two months going to this outpatient program five days a week. I went through group and individual therapy, art therapy, music therapy, pretty much everything in the book. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder accompanied with situational depression. I was truly unaware I needed help until I found myself in and out of a hospital for a month with physical ailments. I was a girl who grew up being educated about different forms of mental illness. I had been to therapy before, I thought I should've known and sought out help earlier. I thought I had things under control, I thought I knew everything. My body had to physically shut down for me to emotionally wake up.

I am now no longer afraid to be vulnerable and to share my experiences with others. I have learned coping mechanisms, and I know it's okay to not be okay sometimes. Do I struggle some days still? Absolutely. I am human. I am a little broken, but I find beauty in my brokenness and find strength in my weaknesses.

May is National Mental Health Awareness Month, and I strongly encourage everyone to educate themselves on different forms of mental illness and the warning signs. I share this part of my story with you today to let you know that mental health issues can take many forms, including physical. Never be afraid to reach out to someone you trust, never be afraid to cry, don't shut yourself off from everyone because you think you can handle everything on your own. Mental Illness has a stigma surrounding it like sharp rocks on a shoreline. Mental health problems are like the waves in the ocean, sometimes they come crashing down on you, and you feel like you might slip under. The tide always goes out though and the sunset is always worth staying for.

For information on Mental Health Issues here are a few of my favorite resources:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/

https://www.nami.org/

http://www.mentalhealth.org/