Lawyers.

Basically, the only contacts the President has on his outdated Android phone outside of “My Lover? DARN PUTIN!

Lawyers can be classified into four categories: financial, business, and criminal, and family. They can help get you out of legal trouble, resolve any debt you want to liquidate, and argue whether or not your minor son will be staying with daddy in the White House, or with mommy in Trump Tower. The latter party has won that case BY A LANDSLIDE.

There also exists a fourth, most disliked branch, of barristers called “ambulance chasers.” Ambulance chasers are especially aggressive in their practices. They will repeatedly call your phone weeks and weeks after your accident, even if you are not injured, as this woman in an accident from Seattle will explain.

Yes, ambulance chasers have the same calling and harassment intensity as Skeet Ulrich had on Drew Barrymore in Scream. The only thing missing is another accident victim sitting in darkness in the backyard with fresh wounds.

Now, how these lawyers get ahold of victim’s phone numbers is very simple; they find these records via the Freedom of Information Act, known more popularly as getting an FOIA. Your local police department’s records bureau has these on file for anybody to see at any given time. The seediest of lawyers will go down to a particular town’s records bureau to find the person at fault for an accident, they call it into a company who deposits it into the lawyer’s personal bank account. The acts of lawyers and the companies they represent are disgusting, but you may want to save some disgust when you find out that 30% to 50% of information is right there for the taking, putting you at risk for identity theft.

Yes.

Identity theft.

In some states, such as Michigan, the ambulance chasing laws state that lawyers and non-lawyers are forbidden from contacting car accident victims with solicitation of business for at least thirty days after the accident, or they could face a $30,000-$60,000 fine and/or a year in jail. This sounds like a fair law. And, the best part of Michigan’s ambulance chasing law is that those who assist in ambulance chasing face the same penalties as the lawyers. Sounds great, in the short term.

For thirty days.

Even traditional parents are like: Calm down; we give our children 18 years of coverage of tom foolery, then they’re out on their own!

Which leads us to…

House Republicans resigning their posts?