Some days it feels like a weight on your chest, all day, just sitting there waiting to crush you. And it's not until late at night when you're alone and something triggers you, that the weight crushes all the way down, and tears come flooding out and the thoughts won't stop and all the negative thoughts you've worked so hard to keep at bay all come forward in full force.
Some days are the best days. Nothing negative slips in your head everything seems possible, and everything is possible. That's the thing about anxiety. It comes to you when you least expect it, but it's always there. It's there when you're driving to work, or when you're just cleaning my room. It comes with no warning and sits dormant in your mind until it feels ready to surface. There are ways to talk it back down into your chest with the burning tears that come rising with it, but the more you push it down the harder it comes back up.
Some days the only thing that fixes it is crying until your eyes are puffy, your face is swollen and your head pounding because there's nothing left to give.
Some days are filled with unneeded apologies and feelings of inadequacy.
Some days despite how hard my boyfriend holds me as a cry until I have no more tears, and despite his patience and his strength to stay with me through the worst of times, and despite his unwillingness to let me feel anything less that worthy and beautiful, my anxiety tries to take that away from me.
Some days it's easier to say “I'm tired” than to try and find a way to configure all the thoughts and worries that are playing in my head into words.
Some days constant reassurance is needed because despite me knowing my self-worth and all the things I am capable of and all of the things I've achieved, the weight of my anxiety and the need to be better still rings in my ear
Some days, I'm okay. Some days, everything is okay. And even on the days that aren't okay, I have to remind myself that it is just a day. That tomorrow will be better and that my anxiety does not control me. It does not make me less of a person and it does not make my emotions any less real. I have to remember that my anxiety does not define me, but only makes me stronger and that the moments I feel the weakest are the moments I need to fight back harder.
And some days I have to remind myself that the love that surrounds me is stronger than any of my darkest days.