If you asked any of my friends to describe me, “happy” and “bubbly” would be the words most likely said. And they are absolutely right — I am insanely happy with my life. I have an amazing family and loyal friends who would do anything for me. Overall, I am having a blast in college. I haven’t gone through any severe hardships in my life, and I was lucky enough to have grown up around people who served as fantastic role models, shaping my identity today.

Yet, no one knows that I have struggled with on-and-off depression for about two years now.

Weird, right? I seem like the least likely candidate for depression. But the truth is that it can affect anyone, especially those who can cleverly hide it well. And no, depression isn’t just something you can “snap out of,” it’s a mental illness.

It all started when normal disappointments or let-downs turned into triggers for depressive moods and erratic moods swings. Everyone pouts a little or gets bummed out when things don’t go their way, but I started to let disappointment affect everything in my life. By no means was I raised spoiled, but I will admit to being a bit of a perfectionist or idealist. So, when my expectations or goals are not fulfilled, I fall into depression.

It comes in waves — sometimes I feel like I am doing just fine, sometimes I lose all interest in activities and my motivation is completely gone. When I go through a tough stage, I find myself unable to stop crying and the hardest task I face is mustering the strength to get out of bed. The slightest thing can set me off, make me crawl back into my sheets and sleep until I forget. My time awake is spent beating myself up for acting this way: Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be happy? I have nothing to complain about, after all.

Losing interest for things I love isn’t even the worst thing — it’s facing other people. Happy me craves social interaction with my peers. Depressed me is scared to go outside and merely see a stranger walking down the street. I become crippled with self-consciousness. Witnessing my beloved family and friends be happy when I am in this utterly self-loathing state makes me cry even more. All I want is to be alone and unloved; I feel that I am not worthy of their time and efforts. I overthink every single action I take and my self-esteem is so low it seems nonexistent.

I push everyone away and hide my state — besides, I don’t deserve the attempted help. I can get myself out of this… right?

Although it seems like this depression can last forever, I always manage to get happier, even if it takes one hour or one week. However, every time I am depressed, I slowly work out of it with the help of other people that don’t even realize they are saving me from the constant drowning feeling. A simple smile or goodwill gesture on their behalf means the world to me.

So even though depression will always be my worst enemy, I know I have the power to fight it. It will be rough, but the love and positive energy that surrounds me in the form of my loved ones will trump it.

I will be OK.