September 24, 2015

Things seem to be going alright lately. I am working on cleaning more often and I am trying not to put up a fuss when, J****, asks or demands sexual favors. I want to make him happy...I want it to be more about him, but how do you do something that you have never liked before? How do I do that all of the time? Just lay down and take it...quietly? Daddy, I love this man with all of my heart and I know that I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life in a two-month time frame. I have never been the best at saying no...especially when I feel pressured in any way. I effed up so bad. I not only lost the trust of my soul mate, but I lost two friendships and caused so much pain and anger. Smoking cigarettes do not really help and the other things only help for a little while until I fall asleep. I want to take it back so badly...to go back to that first day and tell M******, no, this is wrong and I cannot do this. I thought it...but the words never found their way to my mouth...the guilt that I felt...how disgusting I felt...I cannot believe myself...

I want to move out of state and be away from the memories of what I have done. Things will be better then. Things will be better when money is not tight and we are going up instead of crashing down. There will be less stress and more happiness. Daddy, I wish that you were here so that I could ask you for advice...ask you what I could do...I just wish that I could talk to you one final time...actually get the chance to say goodbye. That I love you and that everything will be alright without you. I would give nearly anything to bring you back. Things would be so much more different if you had never left us. That is my downfall...I fill myself with, what ifs, and that is not good for anyone.

On a good note, I have started my own business with ItWorks and I am hoping and praying that I go far in this business. Our top money earners bring home, on average, of 2.7 million dollars a year! THAT WILL BE ME SOMEDAY! Rounding up, I have made $200 in two months. That is not too bad considering that I never made a penny with Partylite. Paydays are every 15th and bonuses are paid out on Fridays. I have earned a $100 bonus so far. I also have $140 in free product credits; I only have to pay to ship. I also have two wrap rewards, meaning that instead of paying $59 for a box of four body wraps or facial wraps, I only pay $25. So, $50 for two boxes. That would be a $150 profit PLUS earning my $50 spent back. This is a debt free company and I hope to become debt free within my first year. Man, could we really use that. I want to help Mom out too.

Also, I start classes for my second year at Baker College on Monday, September 28, 2015. I will be considered a sophomore...again. Haha All together, I am going into my third year of college. I have a Certificate in Business from Rasmussen College to cover a year of college. I may go for my associate's and open my own Interior Design business. Maybe J**** and I can work together as he wants to be an electrician. Daddy, within the next five years, we will be making good money, have two nice cars, horses, motorcycles, lots and lots of land, a nice home, two children...maybe three and we will be so happy. I WANT THAT NOW!

September 25, 2015

Last night was terrible, but now everything is finally out and I do not have to be afraid of things getting worse. Things can only get better from here on out and I want to be everything that he wants me to be. I want to be everything that I want myself to be. I want to be the best that I can be for my husband and daughter. Daddy, I want this to work out and I do not want to lose him. I do not understand why I did it...maybe it was because I was vulnerable and M****** was the one to be there and comfort me; to tell me that things will be alright. I am not a big believer in God, but I do believe that M****** was the devil and I succumbed to the devil. I was Eve and he was the snake telling me to eat the apple...I ate the damn apple and it turned out to be rotten.

It is time to dedicate my time alone (while he is at work), to cleaning, taking care of E******** and business. I NEED to do well in this business. To prove to everyone that this is not just another one of those pyramid schemes. That this is REAL! I am SO close to promoting to an executive, which is an average of about $300 a month. Even that would help us out a lot right now. I want and NEED to go Ruby by the end of this month, but I am not sure that will be happening...I have what I need, but everyone ignores us. We have enough people to send up promoting...if only they would all follow through. K*** also is not trying hard enough. She is putting so much money into this business and getting nothing back. She is like a dead weight that S** and I have to drag along with us. We have to put all of our hard work into her just for us to go places.

I will write later. E******** is in the bath, dishes are done, counters are clean and now it is time to do some business. My goal is to message 200 people today. If they are not interested, they will be. Today, I will be planting many seeds. I love you, Daddy. I will be back later.

February 19th, 2016

So many regrets. Many people say that you should not regret the things that you do, but rather you should learn from them. Yes, I learn from my mistakes which turns them into a lesson, but I have such a huge regret on my heart. This regret has ruined so many things and I could not be any more sorry than what I already am. Though, it is something that a few of the ruined souls seem to know.

If I could go back and change one thing about my life, it would be this regret. I used to tell people that I would go back and bring you back, Daddy, but this tops that. Not in the way of love, but in the way of happiness and friendships. This regret ruined many friendships, trust, broke hearts and even hardened them. Little do these hardened hearts know is that I miss them dearly. I live every day with what ifs about this regret. I live every day with regret and hatred towards myself. With hate towards the snake with blue eyes. I was Eve and I fell prey to the snack and ate fruit from the tree. Oh, how terribly sorry I am...

J****, I am sorry for ruining a trust that I may never earn back. I am sorry for not being what you want me to be and I am sorry that I will always say or do stupid things. I am human. I make mistakes...some worse than others.

S****, I am sorry for nearly letting this regret tear us apart. What kind of best friend lets that happen?!

S**, I am sorry for falling prey to your husband. I am sorry that I let the things he said to me stick and I am sorry that I believed them (some call me gullible and naieve). I am sorry for ruining a great friendship.

A**** and A****, I am sorry for causing you both to lose E******** as a friend to learn and grow with. To learn to share with and potty train with. To share bath time toys with.

To everyone who knows his side of the situation, I am sorry that you believe the snake with blue eyes lies. I am sorry that you see me for what he wants you to see me as so that he could save himself from the bed that he made.

To everyone who knows the true story, thank you for staying by my side through it all. I know your views of me have changed and that is something to expect. I do not hold that against any of you.

To M******, while I have a hate for you that may never go away, I am sorry that I lost you as a friend as well. I am sorry things happened. I am sorry for not having the strength; courage even, to tell you no and stick to it. I am sorry that your marriage is so crappy that you have to seek sexual attention elsewhere.

I have so much regret, so much hate, so much hurt and heartbreak. Enough to send suicidal thoughts into a woman's brain...thoughts that have not been there since this woman was a young teenager.

To everyone, I am sorry and I miss you all. <3