in complete transparency, up until five months ago I had never experienced grief. I wouldn't consider myself to be a sheltered child, but in the realm of grief I was arguably as sheltered as they come. that is until the day my entire world was flipped upside down and my life was forever changed.

it was a seemingly normal Tuesday. I woke up around 11 in my dorm room and had an hour to kill before my first class. I rolled over to check my phone and saw that my dad had texted me. two short words. "call me." those texts were never good, so naturally I decided to call him later and just say I was in class at the time. instead of calling him, I hopped on twitter and saw a tweet from local celebrity Trooper Ben. there had been an accident just north of my hometown. one death. I couldn't help but think about how sad it was, but I only thought about it for a moment. people die every day and yes it is very sad, but I had class to get to. so I started getting ready, but then my dad texted me again. he never double texted so I quickly began scanning my brain for all the things I could possibly be getting in trouble for and decided that I had better call him. so, I stepped into the floor lobby to avoid waking up my snoozing roommate and called him.

when he told me the news I really just couldn't believe it. how on earth could this be happening to us. to me? I had just seen Alberto two days ago. he had called me a snitch like the girl on his video game. he was normal. he was getting better. he was not dead. there had been no accident. the accident I saw on twitter was not me. it was not my family. this was simply not happening. the rest of the day was a blur. I went to class. I went home. I went to sleep. two days later I went home. it was quite strange, walking into my house to see my cousins and my aunt, my sister and my parents, surrounded by more food than we could eat in a year. the house was full of people, but it had never felt so empty. my life stopped the minute I walked in the door and had to face the fact that this time, the news articles, the go fund me, the cards, the funeral... this time it was all my family. this time it was happening to us.

as if things couldn't get any worse, the one thing I was looking forward to was at first postponed and then taken away completely. the second loss. as if it wasn't bad enough that my family had been flipped upside down entirely, now the entire world was flipping shit and buying more toilet paper than a single person would ever be capable of using in their lifetime. needless to say there was no return to school. there was no return to normal. my normal now was spending time with my cousins and making sure my aunt was okay. my new normal involved being part of the family who's brother/son/nephew/cousin died in such a tragic way. it wasn't as though I wanted to forget you, because I didn't and I still don't. but I didn't want to be constantly reminded of how good things were before the accident. I didn't want to think of all the things I could have and should have done differently; and I most certainly did not want to think of how much I missed you.

but, just when I thought grieving your death and a world-wide pandemic and quarantine were enough, things just got worse. the third loss. this loss is not one that I willingly discuss, not that any of them are. this is loss is quite different. it still walks this earth and breathes our air. it is dead to no one but me. this was a loss that only I could grieve myself. and grieve I did. we won't get into this one much. what there is to say is that this loss was unexpected, like the others, but was a different kind of pain. the loss occurred at the moment in which I needed it most. though I am thankful for the loss and for the lessons and strength it has taught me.

then things started to get good again. I was at the river with my friends. everyone was past tiptoeing around me for fear of how I would react. I had a really good time with some of my most favorite people. a night with no cell phone connection. there was no fear. no worries. no sadness. I felt like me again for the first time in a long time. it was a really good night. but then it all came crashing down.

the fourth loss. I remember vividly the look on my parents faces when they stopped me in the hall and I bluntly asked "who died" not thinking of the weight my words carried. to this day I am not even sure what possessed me to ask that. how could I have known that not four hours away from me you had died only a few hours earlier while I had been carelessly being a teen. there was no way I could have known. this loss was and is by far the hardest. I have tried numerous times to think about you and talk about you and cry about you. but I can't. I can't tell anyone about the things we liked to do together. sometimes, I can't even remember what we liked to do together. there are so many words that I would love to say about who you were and why I loved you so much, but they never come. it's like there is a wall that prevents me from even acknowledging the fact that you are gone. even now, typing this, I am struggling to find the words. there was no stopping. the world kept on spinning when you died, as if it hadn't really happened and perhaps that is why I expect to see you when I come visit. or perhaps, it is simply denial. I am not sure. I do not have the answers or the words. all I know is that I miss you. so much. more than I ever thought was possible. I would give anything to be 4 again and play popcorn with you and Yessie again. I know you're okay up there, but I wish you were still here Juan. happy easter.

it's funny to me how even after all this loss I am incapable of grieving effectively. maybe it's because I am self-destructive. maybe its because I am a pathological liar who can't face the reality of any situation. or maybe its because grief is tricky and there is no right way to do it. if I could go back to the start of the year and do it all over again, I would. I would tell those I love that I love them more often. I would never take anyone for granted. and I would invest my time in those who always invested in me. but I know that this is impossible.

I do not know how to grieve and I honestly may never figure it out. but I do know that it always gets better. a person does not cease existing if you continue to remember them. a memory does not become forgotten if you continue to share it with those you love. a bond cannot be broken even if that person is now in heaven. we do not grieve the loss of time. we grieve the loss of moments. moments with those you love are irreplaceable and it is okay to grieve them. so keep grieving, and maybe when it's our turn to be grieved we'll have this whole grieving thing figured out.