Being a girl, I grew up with the confidence of a Queen and the sass of Olivia Pope, until puberty hit, of course. My mother always reminded me that I was to be what ever I wanted to be; a doctor, a singer, a veterinarian. I could’ve chosen a plumber if my heart truly desired, but my mom would’ve told me I can do better than that.
It’s when we begin to grow up when we realize being a girl is so much more than just glitter, bedtime stories, and Cinderella. It’s trying to figure out why other friends are beginning to look differently than you do. It’s getting judged for not looking a certain way. It’s figuring out that society has created this look where we have to cover up our faces to block out the pimples and spots, and sparkle and shine the skin by our eyes. All of a sudden it happens at once and you want to run to Neverland with Peter Pan and never come back.
I grew up watching Disney princess movies, just like thousands of others did. I grew up watching these animated females falling in love like it’s easy as pie, watching them like it’s easy to achieve what they have – the perfect body, perfect voluminous hair, the possible fairy godmother to grant wishes, and a prince who falls in love with her (who is also his own type of perfection). It’s not real.
I was never the tiny girl that all my friends were. You know, the skinny minny size small and double zero’s. I never have been and I never will and it was truly difficult growing up. It was hard being a girl and never being able to wear bikinis when your friends did, or wear shorts and never feeling comfortable, having to skip pool parties I was invited to because my self esteem would not let me, nor would the mirror looking back at me. It started at such a young age, wanting to look perfect and I could never attain it.
My body went through phases, never staying the same and then once high school came I was whopping 248 pounds. I no longer wore jeans because I didn’t want to be seen at a plus size store. Something I began to realize was that no boy was going to love the fat girl; plain and simple. Especially not the boys that liked the way girls like my friends looked.
I know that I will never be the skinny Minnie. It’s not physically possible for my body. I also know that I never ever want to go back to where I was. We live in a world where society says thin is the best. Because of this, I still catch myself coming out of the shower and telling myself I am too fat, too chubby, too thick, and that my hips are too wide, and my cellulite needs to disappear.
I am now twenty one years old and catch myself everyday standing in front of the mirror looking at the woman in front of me; nitpicking the tiniest things that I hate like the wrinkles on my thighs, or the dry skin that is sometimes in the crease of my nose. I’m twenty-one years old and I still have a hard time being in public without the thought in my head of what people may be thinking of me.
I’m not blaming society for my weight. I was the one to put on those pounds and put that food everyday in my mouth. But I am saying that we have created a world that has truly made me believe I will never be good enough, when I know that is not true.
We have created a world that has told me because of all the things I continue to go through, I am alone. I’m tired. I’m tired of the battle I face but I will never stop fighting no matter how tired I become..
I am beautiful, no matter what size jeans I wear or if I can see my collarbone or not. But I know that will continue to be a fight I face every single day. The struggle of self-love and empowerment is something we all face. I know I will continue to struggle with it for the rest of my life but I also know women are stepping up in our world right now, proving to me that this may change. Because we, including myself, finally realize we are so much more, can do so much more; that we are so powerful, beautiful and strong. We are women and by God, we are the most beautiful “us” in the entire world. We are all strong, not because someone told us to be, but because we have grown to become humans that can conquer things we never thought imaginable
“As for my girls, I’ll raise them to think they breathe fire.”- Jessica Kirkland