"It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I'm not perfect. I'm a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong, or when I don't do well."

I was never aware of the terms "Type A Personality" or "Perfectionist" until it was too late. For as long as I can remember, I have always been someone who never felt confident about anything that I did. I only saw what I could have done better. I have always been placed under harsh scrutiny of others, and therefore felt as though I would never be good enough. This has lead to years of stress, dissatisfaction, anxiety, and depression that I was not able to explain until recently when I found the source of my discontent.

Growing up, people constantly pointed out my flaws. Whether it was my appearance, a bad grade, a moment of frustration that I did not contain, a mistake in a jump rope competition, anything. If it was not to their standards, I would never hear the end of it. When you are little, however, people's criticism can seem like a normal thing. I would oftentimes think "Well, this person is just trying to help me out. If I had completed the task better, then they would not have anything to say."

That is what started this downward spiral: the need to do things to other people's standards to avoid being yelled at and berated; in order to be liked, loved, and always seen in a positive light. The need to do things perfectly for myself so that I would feel good on the inside. As long as I have been trying to get this strategy to work in my favor, it has not worked for me yet. Even if I do something to the best of my ability, someone will always be unhappy, and that person is oftentimes myself.

My self-esteem has always been rather low, even from an early age. This is because I constantly allow people's negative comments to rule my life and define me. Any time I meet someone new, I automatically assume that they must not like me, or that they will find so much wrong with me and eventually leave. I try not to get too attached so that I will not have to face the rejection later.

Being with the SuperSkippers jump rope team for the past nine years has greatly helped to reduce this fear. I finally found a place where people treat me with so much respect and genuinely care for me as I care for them. Growing close with the children and parents on the team helped me to realize that people do love and appreciate me for who I am, and see me as so much more than my imperfections. They have given me so much room to be myself, and have truly shaped the person that I am today. I am incredibly thankful for their presence in my life.

Although I have received so much love through the sport of jump rope, I still find that I put an abnormal amount of pressure on myself. The truth is, I am a people pleaser, therefore I cannot stand when people are unhappy with me. There are even times where people's satisfaction with my performance can send me over the edge. With that being said, it is very hard for me to accept compliments long term. Initially, they make me feel great. It always feels good to have your efforts recognized. Then I realize that I am now expected to maintain that level of greatness for as long as I know that person. If I stumble, I may lose credibility, likability, and everything that I have worked so hard for.

On the outside, this may seem irrational, but this is everyday life for me. This is why, no matter how long I've known someone, or how great we get along, I still feel as though they are noticing everything that is wrong with me. That is because I notice everything that is wrong with me, and rarely anything that is right. Even when I do acknowledge an accomplishment, I still remain at that overwhelmed state because the pressure to be successful still exists. I would hate to disappoint someone because they believed my performance would be better than it actually was; that they believed me to be someone or something that I am not.

Failure, criticism, and success are all parts of life that haunt me. It leads to a very unbalanced life filled with lots of self doubt and very little self praise. It is a life where satisfaction only lasts for a second before it is overtaken by the anxiety of completing the next task, or the fear of what others will say if I come up short. My mind never sleeps because I am always looking for ways to improve, and satisfy others and myself.

The life of a perfectionist may look great on the outside, but there is nothing glamorous about this lifestyle. There is nothing good about feeling inadequate. Perfectionists can often feel lonely and misunderstood; and that feeling of never being good enough eventually causes a person to feel anxious and depressed.

As a friend, please continue to lift us up and provide us with words of encouragement. Remind us, as cheesy as it sounds, that no one is perfect and that everyone makes mistakes. Forgive us for those times when we didn't accept your compliment with a "Thank you". It is not personal, but our own minds telling us that we must do something greater to be worthy of a compliment. Just like anyone else, we want to be good enough for the people in our lives and to be loved by them. It may take us a little longer to accept that love, but it is a learning experience that is worthwhile.

To perfectionists out there, perfection is impossible to reach. By being yourself, you are adding just enough to this world.